Convincing the world I’m a loser since 1985.
Getting a valentine card in the mail from your grandma is nice, but really, what’s the point? For some reason Valentine’s day never used to mean that much to me. But I guess that was before I got to know a certain someone whose love is very loud. That was before I had my car vandalized with “I LOVE U!” in big giant letters. I suppose Valentine’s day really can’t mean that much unless you have someone special to spend it with.
Sitting at a stoplight the other day, I was startled by this loud, clangy bang sound followed by a continuous scraping noise. I looked in the direction and saw a rusted through car fleeing the scene. It looked like a pretty ordinary car, except that it had one distinguishing feature. The exhaust system was dragging on the ground. Well at least the parts that were still attached anyway. It’s things like this that make me feel good about my car.
I usually take the opposing side on most arguments, so I’m going to take this opportunity to explain how much I hate Krispy Kreme donuts. First of all, it really bugs me when things get my hands dirty, and this emotion is multiplied if my hands get sticky as well. The whole selling point for M&M’s was that they don’t melt in your hand, so take a hint Krispy Kreme. Secondly, if the frosting isn’t melting, it’s crumbling. You have to constantly set the donut down and pick up the crumbs before reaching for the donut again and repeating the cycle. And finally, in the presence of a Krispy Kreme your time is completely consumed by either attempting to control the urge to grab one (or two or three), or inevitably the fact that they just taste so good.
“The Geek”
One word: Geeky glasses. (I’m wearing them as I write this)
I wear a big, geeky digital watch.
I correct people’s spelling and grammar.
People always ask me to fix their computer and/or camera.
Hardly anyone I know graduated the same year I did.
I don’t have any friends, nor have I any enemies.
I often critisize normal people.
I answer to “hey geek” better then I answer to my own name.
I (/-\n 5p33|( 1337!!!!1111
Tonight was the Super Bowl and I still don’t even know who won. Heh, I don’t even know who was playing. The Steelers and who? Seriously, I have no clue.
[computer mouse]:
a technologically advanced rodent
[impartial]:
the opposite of partial; whole
[atheist]:
someone who God doesn’t believe in
[Kenya]:
inquisitive phrase requesting an action; synonymous with “can you?”
[spam]:
something that annoys me
[airplane]:
similar to a paper plane, but made out of air
[word processing]:
what I’m doing when I appear to be in a daze for a few minutes after someone just used a big word
There are actually several advantages to living with your parents when you’re old. For one thing, you don’t have to worry about the tv wasting your time because there’s already somebody watching something that you don’t want to watch. And when you put your favorite shirt in the wash, you never see it again, which saves you the trouble of having to pick off the lint. All these and more, not to mention the health benefits from not being allowed to eat what you want.
I love the toilet paper in public bathrooms. The thin profile makes it theoretically impossible to plug the toilet, so you don’t have to use the plunger and get your hands dirty. And the quick dissolvability also saves you from having to moisturize your hands, because it accomplishes this naturally with your own excrement.
I love thinking positive.
Allow me to introduce to you some of my newest coworkers. We aren’t usually assigned to the same projects, but we share the same office and they help me out some with my work. I’ve found them to be some of my closest friends too.
Mixed Fruit Tetras
Lolly
Color: Blue
Characteristics: Likes to “lollygag” casually around the tank. Often “falls asleep” and starts drifting around, but gets abruptly awaken by Pops.
Pops
Color: Pink
Characteristics: Don’t allow no “lollygaggin” in the tank. Gives Lolly a “pop” in the side when he falls asleep. Very mean and bossy. Makes sure everybody knows who’s in charge. (I thought about naming her after my girlfriend, but shhh)
Mollies
Crispy
Color: White with black specks
Characteristics: Likes to follow behind Strips and chase him around. Also has a bit of a temper sometimes.
Strips
Color: Black with white specks
Characteristics: Plays Simon says with Crispy, but only when he gets to be Simon. Likes to play with the bubbles at the top of the water. Has a few distinguishing “strips” in his tailfin.
Glo-light Tetras
Tick
Color: Transparent Orange
Characteristics: Has a seemingly uncontrollable “tick” in his left fin. Likes to relax near the bottom of the tank.
Tock
Color: Transparent Orange
Characteristics: Siamese twins with Tick, separated at birth. A little more active than Tick. Likes to pick on Pops.
Okay, so I was in this weird looking building, looking at this weird looking door with a weird looking sign that said “PLEASE WALK IN.” I stared at it for a moment, slightly confused, but I decided to do the courteous thing and obey the sign. So I walked up to the door and reached for the doorknob, but it was locked. And then I was even more confused. Why would they ask me to walk in the door and then not let me in? It really bugged me, and it completely ruined my whole day.
I understand my girlfriend a little better than she might think…
When Donita says: “You smell good.”
She really means: “I like the smell of the cologne that I got you.”
When Donita says: “I’m sorry.”
She really means: “It’s your fault.”
When Donita says: “I’m not cold.”
She really means: “Give me your jacket.”
When Donita says: “I’m fat.”
She really means: “It won’t kill you to tell me I’m beautiful once in a while.”
When Donita says: “I’m craving something sweet.”
She really means: “Buy me some chocolate and nobody gets hurt.”
When Donita says: “Well, I don’t want to bother you anymore.”
She really means: “Leave me alone already.”
When Donita says: “I love you.”
She really means: “I love you.”