I’m beginning to wonder if females shouldn’t be allowed to drive. My brother just got rear ended in a fast food drive through a couple days ago by a girl driver. And just this morning there was this lady following about two feet behind me going 55. Are they just impatient, or is it a more complex mental problem that women have? They sure can play basketball, but driving? Whatever the case may be, something must be done to ensure the safety of everyone else on the road. And this isn’t exactly comforting, considering that the Death Clock says that I have exactly 1,711,519,492 seconds to live.
Well today I had spaghetti for supper, and me being the creative person that I am, I always like to find more than one use for things. Spaghetti is a very effective food substance, but I found that it is also a very convenient and cost effective dye for clothing. It has quite an elegant color to it, and it creates some very interesting and attractive designs. I believe it could turn out to be one of the latest fads and become quite popular within the next couple of months. It also looks to be one of the most profitable investments that I’ve made, and I’m working to register the trademark Spaghettdye. I’ve yet to find out if it’s washable or permanent, as I haven’t fully completed testing on it at the moment.
On my way in to work this morning, I had some good time to think as I dodged all the potholes. And I wasn’t just pondering about the usual life and love and why. What I asked myself was… When are they going to invent those cool hover cars we see in all the movies? I don’t know how much more of these crumby roads my car tires can take. I mean lets face it, the wheel was a nice invention in it’s time, but I think cars can do better without them. That’s why today’s mission is to put the wheel in the museum. Besides not having to worry about all the potholes, neither would traction be an issue, because the car doesn’t touch the road in the first place. The only obstacles we would have to overcome would be…well gravity for one. Everybody else can have their bumpy rides and slippery roads, but anyone who knows me knows that I don’t think the same way as everybody else. Okay, so maybe I don’t think at all. Yeah, I know this one is just as crazy as all my other ideas, but this one’s gonna work I’m tellin ya…
I’m squinting as I’m writing this, so sorry if I make a typo. The ironic thing though, is not that I’m not wearing glasses, but that I’m actually wearing contacts, and new ones at that. Who knows, maybe I don’t know my alphabet that well so I screwed up the eye doctor. But the dumb thing is that I don’t even know if I have them in the correct eye. The containers they were in didn’t say which one was left and which one was right. And I don’t know what all the numbers mean, but I assumed that the one with the most correction would be for the eye that’s the most blind. My eyes are so bad anyway, I don’t see why they don’t just call me legally blind and get it over with. Maybe because they don’t want to lose me as a customer?
Well I’m not just here to complain about my poor vision. I actually wanted to tell about my newest invention. You see, when people can’t see that well they can get around just fine. They can hang out with friends and have fun. They can run and jump and do most things…until they have to read something. It’s the text that’s the problem. And no, I’m not suggesting that we make everything large print. That wouldn’t help people like me anyway. So my idea is that we implant a microchip into everything that would normally be read with the eyes. Whenever you look at it, this chip would transmit a signal that would tell you exactly what it says. Here’s how it works: when you look at one of the devices, your retina sends out a distinctly unmistakable reflection which triggers the CMOS censors and sends out alpha rays in the exact direction that the retinal reflection was seen from. The signal is then decoded by a nuero-ceptor textilizer device implanted in the brain. To accomodate for the size of the device, a little more than one fifth of the brain would have to be removed. But this is not hard to overcome when one sees the benefit. Just imagine; to read a book, all you have to do is look at the cover; glance at the clock and immediately you know exactly what time it is. The technology is still in the works, so please try and be patient. In the meantime, concentrate real hard on what you’re trying to read, and remember that squinting works pretty well, except when you have your contacts in the wrong eyes.
I don’t see why Microsoft puts so much effort into advertising. I mean, everybody already knows who they are and everybody in the whole world already uses their products. Furthermore, everybody already knows that their products Stink. Maybe Bill Gates’ money has burned a really big, gaping hole in his pocket. Is that why he gave billions to charity so he could be knighted by the Queen of England? What if, instead of advertising, they made something that actually works good? I don’t know, maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m getting people mad at me. Maybe I should put a disclaimer at the bottom of all of my posts that says to please disregard the loser posting all of these retarted comments.
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Let me take a minute to describe to you one of a photographer’s most important tools. Not only does it keep all his equipment safe from being damaged, but it also keeps everything clean. And I won’t even mention what it’s most commonly used for, but despite both of these essential uses, the thing I use it for the most is the disposal of the secretion of the nasal mucus glands. (Yes, I mean snot.) Toilet paper is one of those things that I don’t stay far away from, especially when I’m sick and my mucus glands are very generous. I mean it, I’ve been sick for a couple days and I’ve used almost two rolls of it. Maybe some people can only find one use for it, but I say that whoever invented toilet paper deserves a lot more credit than he got.
I don’t get why guys always wear a tuxedo to their wedding. I mean, it’s the most memorable moment in their life and they’ve got to wear an uncomfortable, clumsy costume. Seriously, when/if I get married, I want to be comfortable. And when I say comfortable, I don’t mean like a t-shirt and jeans either. To me, comfortable is my favorite blue pj’s. Yeah, and some soft, fuzzy slippers. The last thing I need is to be distracted when my tie pinches my neck. It’s not like everyone has to follow tradition. Man, people are really crazy these days.
Okay, I know this is a really dumb post, but I’ve been sick lately and nothing exciting has been happening, so this was the only thing I could come up with.
I was interrupted today by a call from Spiderman’s agent. It turns out they’re looking for someone to be the next Spiderman. But even with my own natural abilities and photo genetics, I had to turn down the offer. I just have too many things going on in my own life to take on the responsibilities of Spiderman. Like keeping my blog updated and learning other languages, like Pig Latin for one.
Okay, okay, I’m lying. What really happened was the people who own the rights to Superman called, desperate to find someone to replace Keanu Reeves because he apparently turned down the offer to be the next Superman. As much as I would have loved to accept the offer, I legally couldn’t because I had already signed a contract this morning with a different company to do another film. That’s right; today I became a movie star. Today was the first day of shooting for the epic film, The Mathews Virtual Tour. Now from the title you might be thinking that it’s a long, boring, cheaply produced video describing the company that builds the best archery bows in the world. But in reality, it’s a dramatic action film documenting the life of a true hero. This legendary figure does his heroic deeds going from place to place disguising himself as a tourist, which is a very effective method of keeping a secret identity because once he has finished his work in one place, he leaves no trace of himself and moves on to where he’s needed next. One of his favorite techniques to distract a villain is to ask him complex technical questions about manufacturing processes. These deep, thought provoking questions distract his enemy just enough so he can capture him and take him to the local authorities. The villain is left so confused about what happened that he can’t remember anything, thus keeping the hero’s identity secret.
The release date of the film is, as of yet, undetermined. And I know that you’re just as excited as I am to see the final result.
I recieved this strange looking small yellow sticker in the mail the other day, and I can’t figure out what it’s for. It has the letters S I M written on it inside this weird looking shape. Next to that is the number 90 in bigger letters. The sticker is only about one or two inches across, and it’s yellow with red lettering with a shiny/sparkling finish. I wonder, is it an acronym for something, or maybe some kind of code? To make it even more confusing, the envelope that it came in says to put it on my license plate. If anyone can help me figure out what this is for, I sure would appreciate it. And who knows, maybe there’s a bunch of other people that recieved a sticker like this and are just as confused as I am. Whatever the case may be, something needs to be straightened out here.