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That’s bacon?

I had bacon for breakfast this morning, but there was some question in my mind about what kind of “bacon” it was. There was several possibilities of what it could have been, one being an artificial composite bacon, which we have had in the past. Although it somewhat resembles the flavor of bacon, I think it would be a little more accurately compared to cardboard. Another likely candidate was turkey bacon, which we have also had before. The spices that they use do a pretty good job of disguising the fact that it’s turkey, but it still lacks the greasy, fattening nature of bacon, which is what makes bacon so great. But judging by the texture and hardness of the material that I was consuming, I figured it was most likely dog food. You know, those yummy “Beggin’ Strips” that you see on tv. So I kept that lovely thought in my mind while I crunched it down. But I later found out that it was actually real bacon which my dad had burnt to a crisp.

A box of relief

Doing my business in the local human waste facility today, I was racking my brain trying to think of something to blog about when I unconsciously found myself staring at this little orange box. Written all over the box was the phrase, “12 hour relief.” The first question that went through my mind was, “How do they put relief in a box?” Immediately following this question was, “If indeed they can put relief in a box, how do they fit it in a box that small?” After contemplating this concept for a while, I thought about all the stress of life, all the aching hearts in the world, and all the pain and humiliation of admitting that I’m not as bright as some people. And not to mention hurricane relief. Wouldn’t it be cool if all this could be relieved by what was inside this small, orange box, if only for 12 hours? I went in for a closer look to find out how it worked, but was disappointed when I saw the picture of a dude rubbing his back where there was a small heat pack relieving his back pain.

Tagless turmoil

In an age where kids wear shirts inside-out on purpose; in an age where people expose their shirt tags because it’s cool; in an age where a plain white t-shirt comes with more instructions than a Canon 1Ds Mark II digital camera; I can’t help but wonder why they make tagless t-shirts. Sure, I don’t miss the itching and scratching. But after fumbling around in the dark trying to figure out which is the front and which is the back, I can’t say that I don’t miss them just a little bit.

Hair diet

I’ve always loved fad diets. Making fun of them that is, not actually following them. I love how two different diets can be completely opposite and still (supposedly) work. But after doing some extensive research on the subject, I decided that none of them were for me. So I set out to create my own fad diet. After running my fingers through my hair in deep thought, it came to me. So I ran to the local Cost Cutters and I lost 0.37 lbs almost instantly. It worked for me, and it can work for you too. So buy my book for only $47.89 and lose weight today!

Blup-blup-blup…

…blup-blup-blup …that’s the lovely sound my car made last night when my tire decided to go flat. I was so excited that I was going to get to change a flat tire…until I opened up the spare tire compartment in my car and found that there was no car jack. One other small detail was that the spare tire itself was also flat with a big gouge in it. Well after getting a ride from a friend, I found out how helpful Wal-Mart is, seeing as they don’t carry any sort of spare tire replacement. Today’s lesson: replace your tires before they get completely bald.

I Did It

When you stole from my friend
It made my heart ache.
But for you I’ll pretend
It was my mistake.

Though you lied to my dad
My flaw it became.
Cheer up and be glad
Because I took the blame.

You would covet and cheat,
And curse and assault.
Now my work is complete;
It was all my fault.

We have lost contact with the mothership

Putting in my contact lenses this morning, I was forced to wonder why they make contact lenses clear. I was forced by the fact that I dropped one of them and couldn’t find it. How can they expect people to see a transparent contact lens after they take it out? I mean, seriously, people wear contacts for a reason. (They can’t see without them.) Why not make them blaze orange or something. And definitely not transparent. Those things are expensive, and it hurts to lose one. I even cried, but I’m not sure if it was because I couldn’t find it, or if it was from shoving my finger into my eye. I did find it, by the way. It was stuck to my face.

Murder Helpline

I was looking at my blog statistics the other day, glancing through the usual visitors from all over the place who found my blog by either typing an obscure phrase into a search engine, or clicked on a link someplace. I get visitors from all over the globe: Tokyo, Japan; Paris, France; Quebec, Canada; Monterrey, Mexico; Brussels, Belgium; you name it. Even places I’ve never heard of before, much less pronounce, like Tbilisi, UK and Gelsenkirchen, Germany. But one interesting visitor found my blog by doing an MSN search for “Murder planning.” You heard me right; my blog is the 89th result on MSN for Murder planning. How cool is that!

Wildlife excursion

I spent last Friday taking pictures of the beautiful wildlife here in Wisconsin. And boy did I ever see lots of wildlife. I saw spiders and mosquitoes and flies and squirrels and dragonflies. And even a strange little worm. But it left me wondering, “Where’s all the deer and elk and bears and wolves and eagles that Wisconsin is supposed to be famous for?” Well in any case I got lots of pictures of different types of fungus and other inanimate junk. I braved the killer mosquitoes to get a picture of a dead mushroom.

Identity crisis

Pay day isn’t usually that exciting for me. Don’t get me wrong, I love to earn money. But unlike some people I know, I’m not usually broke by the time pay day comes around. And besides that my check is direct deposited, so it doesn’t really make that much difference. But on Friday when I took a quick look at my pay stub I noticed an “Important Note” in the corner. It said, “Effective this pay period your name has been changed.” I squinted and stared at if for a second. Then I thought, “Well cool, it’s about time I changed my name. I’ve been stuck with ‘Josh’ my whole life.” But then there was the question burning through my skull… Huh? What did they change it to?