How to Make Fun of Yourself

The best way to bash yourself is by listing things that are true. This shouldn’t be difficult if you’re honest.

If you’re that lazy, you can also use things that are not quite true, but can’t really be proven false.

If you’re stuck in writer’s block, buy a mirror and refer to it often for inspiration.

In the event that you have friends, ask them to be honest about you.

If you find yourself exceptionally easy to ridicule, try not to get too carried away. People might start feeling sorry for you.

Think of something you would like to be good at, and come to the realization that you’re painfully awful at it.

Pretending to be a loser can sometimes make it easier for you to accept the fact that it’s true.

Stay away from generic phrases like “I’m a loser” or “I’m a failure.” People will just ignore you. (Not like that’s anything new)

It’s not necessary to say “I have problems.” If you’re making fun of yourself, it’s obvious you’ve got problems.

Update: Don’t miss Lesson 2

Just pretend

The average Joe will tell you that treadmills are useless because people who own them never use them. I’m going to argue with this way of thinking, but not in the way that you might expect. Treadmills are a mistake, not because they’re never used, but because they exist in the first place.

Let’s take a look at the subject in question. A treadmill is a virtual reality device that artificially simulates a cardiovascular activity that involves moving the feet (AKA walking). To say the same thing in non-technical terms, YOU DON’T NEED A TREADMILL TO WALK. Buying a $300-$1000 machine to walk on is like typing on a keyboard with gold plated chopsticks when your fingers work just fine. Or like pretending that Jesus is sitting in the chair next to you when he’s already in the air that you’re breathing. Why just pretend to walk when you can have the real thing?

Despite how worthless the treadmill is, I still admire the guy who invented it. How many other people could take a simple, essential, everyday activity such as walking and turn it into a billion dollar market? The sad thing though, is not that people shell out money for the equivalent of nothing, but that with or without a treadmill people are too lazy to even just walk to the mailbox.

Moving out

Things I’ve done today that I’ve always wanted to do:

Sleep in my own room.
Walk to work.
Put chocolate milk on my cereal.

Things still on my to-do list:

Drink milk out of the carton.
Do chin-ups from the light fixtures.

Tweaked Quotes Vol 2

Original: “When you live on a round planet, there’s no choosing sides.” -Wayne Dyer
Tweaked: “When you live on a round planet with other people, everyone chooses a side.”

Original: “If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.” -John Quincy Adams
Tweaked: “If your actions inspire others to eat more, sleep more, do less, and work less, you are a couch potato.”

Original: “A learned blockhead is a greater blockhead than an ignorant one.” -Benjamin Franklin
Tweaked: “A blockhead with Google is a greater blockhead than a learned one.”

Original: “We are shaped and fashioned by what we love.” -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Tweaked: “We are shaped and fashioned by our choice of potato chips.”

Original: “Nothing is so contagious as enthusiasm.” -Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Tweaked: “Nothing is so easily destroyed so enthusiasm.”

Original: “A small leak can sink a great ship.” -Benjamin Franklin
Tweaked: “A small leak can ruin a good Mountain Dew.”

Logical searching

I always find it amusing when I see people searching blindly for something. Sure, when you lose something you need to look for it, but there are more advanced techniques than fumbling around in the snow for your lost hockey puck. This is where logical searching comes in.

I put this to good use last Saturday when I played hockey with my family. Here’s the scenario: the puck goes flying into the snowbank and everybody jumps in and starts digging for it. I figured they could find it in no time, so I let them do their thing. But after a while of letting them do their thing, I decided to do my own thing. So, using a complex algorithm and compensating for the angularity and momentum of the projectile, I walked over to the spot, thrust my hand into the snow, and pulled out the hockey puck. No applause from my family, but at least we could keep playing hockey.

Another thing my family looks for often is the tv remote. Many times I’ve come home to a bunch of sad faces because the clicker is lost. And the same number of times I’ve stuck my hand under the recliner using logic and pulled it out of the same ol’ spot. Today, however, when I heard that the remote was once again lost, I used my logic to reason that they had by now caught on and had already looked under the chair. Consequently, I again did the math in my head and balanced the equation. So after finishing my ice cream, I stuck my hand deep under the chair cushion and pulled out none other than the tv remote. Without looking, without digging, and without getting up.

Forget the tux

I don’t get why guys always wear a tuxedo to their wedding. I mean, it’s the most memorable moment in their life and they’ve got to wear an uncomfortable, clumsy costume. Seriously, when/if I get married, I want to be comfortable. And when I say comfortable, I don’t mean like a t-shirt and jeans either. To me, comfortable is my favorite blue pj’s. Yeah, and some soft, fuzzy slippers. The last thing I need is to be distracted when my tie pinches my neck. It’s not like everyone has to follow tradition. Man, people are really crazy these days.

Okay, I know this is a really dumb post, but I’ve been sick lately and nothing exciting has been happening, so this was the only thing I could come up with.