There’s this fly buzzing around our apartment that just won’t die. He always narrowly escapes. He’s like the Jackie Chan of insects. I thought about bringing out the heavy artillery and obliterating the pest, but then that might look funny to declare war against an enemy the size of a booger. So we felt a little sorry for the little guy, and we considered adopting him as a pet. That only lasted until we remembered that we’re not allowed to have pets in our apartment. But that opens a whole nother can of larvae. We’ve gotta get that thing out of here before somebody finds out. War it is.
I was driving along minding my own business when this maniac kamikaze skunk wedged himself under my front tire. It brought back memories of the squirrel (rest his soul) until I realized, “Oh stink, I just killed a skunk.” I was filled with mixed emotions of grief (my beautiful car smells like T-Rex poo) and joy (finally something to cover up the smoke smell in my garage). And obviously my little sister didn’t know what to think either when she said later that day, “Mmm, your car smells nice.”
Allow me to introduce to you some of my newest coworkers. We aren’t usually assigned to the same projects, but we share the same office and they help me out some with my work. I’ve found them to be some of my closest friends too.
Lolly & Pops
Mixed Fruit Tetras
Characteristics: Likes to “lollygag” casually around the tank. Often “falls asleep” and starts drifting around, but gets abruptly awaken by Pops.
Characteristics: Don’t allow no “lollygaggin” in the tank. Gives Lolly a “pop” in the side when he falls asleep. Very mean and bossy. Makes sure everybody knows who’s in charge. (I thought about naming her after my girlfriend, but shhh)
Crispy & Strips
Color: White with black specks
Characteristics: Likes to follow behind Strips and chase him around. Also has a bit of a temper sometimes.
Color: Black with white specks
Characteristics: Plays Simon says with Crispy, but only when he gets to be Simon. Likes to play with the bubbles at the top of the water. Has a few distinguishing “strips” in his tailfin.
Tick & Tock
Color: Transparent Orange
Characteristics: Has a seemingly uncontrollable “tick” in his left fin. Likes to relax near the bottom of the tank.
Color: Transparent Orange
Characteristics: Siamese twins with Tick, separated at birth. A little more active than Tick. Likes to pick on Pops.
I spent last Friday taking pictures of the beautiful wildlife here in Wisconsin. And boy did I ever see lots of wildlife. I saw spiders and mosquitoes and flies and squirrels and dragonflies. And even a strange little worm. But it left me wondering, “Where’s all the deer and elk and bears and wolves and eagles that Wisconsin is supposed to be famous for?” Well in any case I got lots of pictures of different types of fungus and other inanimate junk. I braved the killer mosquitoes to get a picture of a dead mushroom.
This morning, a loved one very dear to us all has been taken from us. He was such a cheerful soul, and he will always be remembered in our hearts. I cannot be sorrier than to know that I was the one that was driving the car that hit him. I could not hold back a tear as I saw his blood splatter on the road, and he lay there deformed and motionless. I know without a doubt that he did not deserve to go like that. So today I ask that we all observe a moment of silence to remember our dear friend, the squirrel.
Once upon a time, on a beautiful summer day, I was enjoying a nice, peaceful bike home from work only going about 20 mph or so. When I was just about home, I saw the neighbor’s evil and possessed dog out of the corner of my eye. He seemed to be minding his own business, but then all of a sudden he darted out into the street, wedged himself right under my front tire, and we collided. The ugly little dog yelped like nobody’s business, and I was launched straight up into the air and landed in the ditch. I didn’t care about the dog; I didn’t care that my glasses were broken; I didn’t care that my helmet was cracked open, or the fact that I myself was hurt. I just wanted to make sure that my bike was okay. The bike survived with a few scratches, a slightly bent pedal, and a derailed chain. The dog also survived, unfortunately.
I found out later that that wasn’t the first time something like that had happened to the dog. It turns out that it has actually been hit by cars multiple times. Yesterday I was driving my car home from work and there it was standing right in the middle of the road. I figured he would move out of the way when I got closer, but evidently he’s not that smart. He looked pretty sick, almost half dead. He may have wanted me to put him out of his misery. The thought was awful tempting, but I thought to myself, I said, “Self, if he’s been hit by cars before and nothing happened to him, then it’s no use to risk damaging my car trying to get rid of him.”
Does anyone else find cats annoying? They always scratch and bite and make a mess. And they’re so greedy; you pet them a little bit and they’ll forever be begging for more. They’re dumb enough to chase a laser pointer in circles for hours. They get into your food, they get in your way, and they get under your skin. And there’s soooo many of them. Well it looks like I’m not the only one who’s had enough of cats. Apparently the Wisconsin government is finally considering an official hunting season for cats. Time to get busy! At last, I get to show that one cat what the rules are. I’ve always been curious what they taste like, but I doubt they’re any good.
I think I just figured out why cats get run over by cars so often. You see, they’re trying to prove to their friends that cars will always move out of the way when they run out into the street. On my way in to work, I came across two cats on the side of the road. One of them ran out onto the road just as I was going by. Sure enough, I swerved to the other side of the road to avoid hitting him, confirming his theory that a car will never run into a cat. However, from my own research I’ve found that in most cases a car will never swerve away from the same cat twice. So next time that cat isn’t going to be quite so lucky.