Convincing the world I’m a loser since 1985.
I went to a golf tournament the other day, so people kept asking me if I was really good at golf. The answer was of course, no. I just went for the dinner afterwards and the nice, thick sunburn. My skin is really white, so I burn pretty easy. But my steak was even more red than my sunburn. Is it too much to ask for them to cook the meat before you eat it? My steak was rare, but at least I was well done.
I’m beginning to see how talented my mom is. You see, I was the last one to get to the ice cream, and so I had to put it back in the freezer. Ha, easier said than done. With such a large family, our freezer wouldn’t have room for a popsicle, much less a container of ice cream. I was lucky I caught it before it fell on the floor this time, but I squished it pretty good trying to fit it in between the pizza and the frozen peas. I just can’t figure out how my mom does it.
So I’ve been selected as a prospective juror. I received a questionnaire in the mail that I need to either fill out and return in ten days, or pay a $500 fee. Of all the dumbest obvious questions they could have asked, they just had to ask: “Can you understand the English language?” Is that really worth asking?
Have you ever wondered what Paul the Apostle would write about if he had a blog? Well I have. So I did a comprehensive internet search, and you’ll never believe what I found. Suspended far out in the realm of cyberspace; highly encrypted, and almost indecipherable; I found out that Paul actually did have a blog. I’ve decrypted it, debugged it, and published it at http://ifpaulhadablog.blogspot.com. It’s a very interesting blog with exclusive, never before seen writings and thoughts from the man himself. However, a giant rift in the space-time continuum created a little problem. Instead of all of Paul’s blog posts being decrypted all at once, the bend in the continuum caused each post to be published with respect to the time it was published. As a result, you’ll have to keep checking back to Paul’s blog as the decryption process continues.
I’ve been trying to figure out what my problem is. I don’t have time to go to the doctor, so I’ll just diagnose it myself. Here are the symptoms:
While somebody is talking, I can nod my head, smile, say “uh huh,” and not know a word that was just said. While reading a book, my mind often wanders a million miles away, buy my eyes continue reading the book and follow along and I’ll have no clue what I just read. People ask me to remind them of things, but it’s no use because I usually need them to remind me to remind them. My brain will be completely fried within fifteen minutes during a math test. And last but not least, I procrastinate.
I thought it might be Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), but it can’t be that because I don’t misplace things very often and I’m not restless or impatient. In fact, I’m usually a very calm person, and I can beat anyone in a staring contest. So I think I’m going to call it Simplified Attention Deficit Disorder (SADD). As of yet, there is no cure.
Once upon a time, on a beautiful summer day, I was enjoying a nice, peaceful bike home from work only going about 20 mph or so. When I was just about home, I saw the neighbor’s evil and possessed dog out of the corner of my eye. He seemed to be minding his own business, but then all of a sudden he darted out into the street, wedged himself right under my front tire, and we collided. The ugly little dog yelped like nobody’s business, and I was launched straight up into the air and landed in the ditch. I didn’t care about the dog; I didn’t care that my glasses were broken; I didn’t care that my helmet was cracked open, or the fact that I myself was hurt. I just wanted to make sure that my bike was okay. The bike survived with a few scratches, a slightly bent pedal, and a derailed chain. The dog also survived, unfortunately.
I found out later that that wasn’t the first time something like that had happened to the dog. It turns out that it has actually been hit by cars multiple times. Yesterday I was driving my car home from work and there it was standing right in the middle of the road. I figured he would move out of the way when I got closer, but evidently he’s not that smart. He looked pretty sick, almost half dead. He may have wanted me to put him out of his misery. The thought was awful tempting, but I thought to myself, I said, “Self, if he’s been hit by cars before and nothing happened to him, then it’s no use to risk damaging my car trying to get rid of him.”
I recieved a text message today from one of my friends who had just successfully locked herself out of her house. I laughed for a while and sent back a couple of wise cracks. Of course, she’s never going to hear the end of it. I thought about paying her a visit so I could sit and laugh and watch the show. What’s more, it even started raining a little. What better opportunity to make fun of your friends?
What happens when you have Rice Krispies for breakfast and Crispy Strips for lunch? Well my little sister did, in which case she got the names confused and invented Rice Krispy Strips.
So there I was, standing in line at the Wal-Mart courtesy desk with a return item in my hand. I had my excuse all polished up and ready to go, but I was getting a little nervous that they might interrogate me about why I was bringing the item back. I rehearsed my lines in my head to make sure that I didn’t mess up. Then it was my turn. I approached the desk, and just as I started to give my speech the clerk interrupted me and asked quite bluntly, “Would you like a return or an exchange?” That caught me a little off guard. I just wasn’t prepared for them to be that nice. And after all that time I put into preparing my speech, they just had to go and accept the return just like that. Who would have known that I didn’t need an excuse? You just can’t be prepared for something like that.
Last year sometime, I told some of my friends that I was redesigning my website. Yeah right, like that would ever happen. My favorite hobby just so happens to be procrastination. They kept asking me if I was done yet, and I kept responding “No.” However, lately I’ve been growing increasingly sick of the old design. So much so that I can hardly even look at it anymore. I’ve been working on a new design some over a couple of free Saturdays, but never got so far as to actually finish it up. What’s even more sad is that since so much time has gone by, I’ve been getting tired of the new design already. So today, after putting everything aside and focusing on the goal, I’m proud…no wait, excited….no maybe……reluctant to announce the launch of Photricity 2.0. It’s there. Sort of. I’m nowhere near satisfied with it, but I just wanted something so I could get rid that old design. Ugh, don’t remind me.