Tweaked Quotes Vol 2

Original: “When you live on a round planet, there’s no choosing sides.” -Wayne Dyer
Tweaked: “When you live on a round planet with other people, everyone chooses a side.”

Original: “If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.” -John Quincy Adams
Tweaked: “If your actions inspire others to eat more, sleep more, do less, and work less, you are a couch potato.”

Original: “A learned blockhead is a greater blockhead than an ignorant one.” -Benjamin Franklin
Tweaked: “A blockhead with Google is a greater blockhead than a learned one.”

Original: “We are shaped and fashioned by what we love.” -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Tweaked: “We are shaped and fashioned by our choice of potato chips.”

Original: “Nothing is so contagious as enthusiasm.” -Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Tweaked: “Nothing is so easily destroyed so enthusiasm.”

Original: “A small leak can sink a great ship.” -Benjamin Franklin
Tweaked: “A small leak can ruin a good Mountain Dew.”

Have a seat

You know how some people are always demanding that you put down the toilet seat after you’re done? Well I’ve always wondered why they only demand that you put the first lid down, the one with the hole in it. Nobody ever puts the second one down, the one that actually covers the seat. What’s the point if your toilet has a lid with a hole in it? And what’s the point of having a real lid if it’s always up? I guess it makes a good backrest, but then why not just have a backrest instead of a lid?

The hairless hairdo

I was waiting in line the other day to get my hair cut when I saw an older guy with hardly any hair left sitting in one of the barber chairs. Now if he wanted to cut off what little was left of his hair, that would be fine with me, but what confused me even more was that he was looking through a book of hair styles that really wouldn’t work with the little bit of fuzz that he had left.

Anyway, as I was getting my hair cut, the hair stylist had to leave me for a little while to tend to another customer. So I sat there and waited, and waited. Not that I mind waiting. It gives me a chance to think of something useless to write about in my blog. The only thing that bugged me was that my nose was itching and I couldn’t itch it because my hands were stuck under the giant bib.

Logical searching

I always find it amusing when I see people searching blindly for something. Sure, when you lose something you need to look for it, but there are more advanced techniques than fumbling around in the snow for your lost hockey puck. This is where logical searching comes in.

I put this to good use last Saturday when I played hockey with my family. Here’s the scenario: the puck goes flying into the snowbank and everybody jumps in and starts digging for it. I figured they could find it in no time, so I let them do their thing. But after a while of letting them do their thing, I decided to do my own thing. So, using a complex algorithm and compensating for the angularity and momentum of the projectile, I walked over to the spot, thrust my hand into the snow, and pulled out the hockey puck. No applause from my family, but at least we could keep playing hockey.

Another thing my family looks for often is the tv remote. Many times I’ve come home to a bunch of sad faces because the clicker is lost. And the same number of times I’ve stuck my hand under the recliner using logic and pulled it out of the same ol’ spot. Today, however, when I heard that the remote was once again lost, I used my logic to reason that they had by now caught on and had already looked under the chair. Consequently, I again did the math in my head and balanced the equation. So after finishing my ice cream, I stuck my hand deep under the chair cushion and pulled out none other than the tv remote. Without looking, without digging, and without getting up.

Finish your soup, dear

Snow is nice. It’s fun to look at and take pictures of. It’s fun to pack into a ball and hurl at someone’s face. It’s fun to ski in and sled in and slip and crack open your head in. It’s fun to stare at a monstrous driveway covered with a foot of the stuff while holding a puny shovel in hand. Well I guess that last one depends on how much of an optimist you are. But seriously, you should try it sometime. If you’ve ever attempted to eat a bowl of soup with a fork, you might have a slight idea of what it’s like.

A subtle message

Getting a valentine card in the mail from your grandma is nice, but really, what’s the point? For some reason Valentine’s day never used to mean that much to me. But I guess that was before I got to know a certain someone whose love is very loud. That was before I had my car vandalized with “I LOVE U!” in big giant letters. I suppose Valentine’s day really can’t mean that much unless you have someone special to spend it with.

Disturbation of the peace

Sitting at a stoplight the other day, I was startled by this loud, clangy bang sound followed by a continuous scraping noise. I looked in the direction and saw a rusted through car fleeing the scene. It looked like a pretty ordinary car, except that it had one distinguishing feature. The exhaust system was dragging on the ground. Well at least the parts that were still attached anyway. It’s things like this that make me feel good about my car.

Krispy Skreme

I usually take the opposing side on most arguments, so I’m going to take this opportunity to explain how much I hate Krispy Kreme donuts. First of all, it really bugs me when things get my hands dirty, and this emotion is multiplied if my hands get sticky as well. The whole selling point for M&M’s was that they don’t melt in your hand, so take a hint Krispy Kreme. Secondly, if the frosting isn’t melting, it’s crumbling. You have to constantly set the donut down and pick up the crumbs before reaching for the donut again and repeating the cycle. And finally, in the presence of a Krispy Kreme your time is completely consumed by either attempting to control the urge to grab one (or two or three), or inevitably the fact that they just taste so good.

Proof of Loserocity Vol 4

“The Geek”

One word: Geeky glasses. (I’m wearing them as I write this)

I wear a big, geeky digital watch.

I correct people’s spelling and grammar.

People always ask me to fix their computer and/or camera.

Hardly anyone I know graduated the same year I did.

I don’t have any friends, nor have I any enemies.

I often critisize normal people.

I answer to “hey geek” better then I answer to my own name.

I (/-\n 5p33|( 1337!!!!1111

Tonight was the Super Bowl and I still don’t even know who won. Heh, I don’t even know who was playing. The Steelers and who? Seriously, I have no clue.

Definitions Vol 1

[computer mouse]:
a technologically advanced rodent

the opposite of partial; whole

someone who God doesn’t believe in

inquisitive phrase requesting an action; synonymous with “can you?”

something that annoys me

similar to a paper plane, but made out of air

[word processing]:
what I’m doing when I appear to be in a daze for a few minutes after someone just used a big word