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The Loop

Out of the Loop

I’m pretty much always uninformed about everything that’s going on. So rather than having everyone remind me about how I’m out of the loop, I drew a little map so I’ll always know exactly where I am.

Immature

Immature Video Game RatingI’m sure there’s a very good reason why they have video game ratings. No one who’s 17+ would want to play a game that’s rated E for Extremely boring. And no child should be allowed to play a game that’s rated M for Mature.

But my question is, why would anyone who is “Mature” be playing video games in the first place?

Date Idea: Mole Constellations

Date Idea: Mole Constellations

What could be more romantic than discovering new things about your date? Instead of spending precious money on food or entertainment, find romance in the unique qualities of each other. But be cautious; it can lead to other things. Namely, a request for a back massage.

Preferred Customer

It all began one quiet, cold morning. I walked out to my car with my glass half full and my stomach half empty. Everything was looking like every other day, except for a little orange ticket that was wedged under my wiper blade and frozen onto my windshield. I studied it for a bit and noticed that “Alternate Parking” was checked. I wasn’t quite sure what this meant, but I went and paid the ticket like a good little boy.

A while later, and a little farther into the winter season, I found another slip attached to my car. This wasn’t a ticket, but a notice explaining the alternate parking city ordinance. Basically, in the winter you park on the even numbered side of the street on the even days. So I began following this as well as I understood it. I soon discovered the wisdom in parking on the side where most of the cars were parked. Genius.

Needless to say, I ended up with another ticket. That was it. I was now determined to never get another parking ticket. From then on, I always checked the date and the house numbers to make sure I was on the right side of the road. This worked until I moved into a new apartment with a parking lot. Pretty sweet, until all the parking spots are taken and you’re left out on the street again. This time I drove up and down the street squinting in the dark to find which was the odd side. I compulsively checked the date several times. No worries this time.

To make a short story long, I got another ticket, was totally confused, drove up and down the street again just to check, was going to call the police to dispute, found on their website they changed the effective date without notice from before midnight to after 2am, emptied my glass to halfway, and paid the ticket like a good little boy.

I’ve now accepted that parking tickets are just a source of income for the police. They pick out random cars to ticket and reap the profits. I am merely a preferred customer.

How to Make Fun of Yourself

The best way to bash yourself is by listing things that are true. This shouldn’t be difficult if you’re honest.

If you’re that lazy, you can also use things that are not quite true, but can’t really be proven false.

If you’re stuck in writer’s block, buy a mirror and refer to it often for inspiration.

In the event that you have friends, ask them to be honest about you.

If you find yourself exceptionally easy to ridicule, try not to get too carried away. People might start feeling sorry for you.

Think of something you would like to be good at, and come to the realization that you’re painfully awful at it.

Pretending to be a loser can sometimes make it easier for you to accept the fact that it’s true.

Stay away from generic phrases like “I’m a loser” or “I’m a failure.” People will just ignore you. (Not like that’s anything new)

It’s not necessary to say “I have problems.” If you’re making fun of yourself, it’s obvious you’ve got problems.

Update: Don’t miss Lesson 2

The Electronic Bible

The Electronic Bible

I got my wife a sweet pink Bible for Christmas. But I guess it’s sweeter than I originally thought. Apparently it lists specific operating temperatures because now she’s all worried about it getting too cold or too hot. I’m not sure what it does better than a regular analog Bible, but I’m still looking for the system requirements and the troubleshooting tips.

Mutant

I’ve never really had a specific topic to blog about, until I looked back and realized I’ve had a somewhat ongoing theme of making fun of myself. Just do a search on this site for “loser” and you’ll see what I mean. (Yes, I have nothing better to do.) So to be on topic, here are 6 reasons why I might be a mutant.

  1. My right thumb is fatter than my left thumb
  2. I have Amblyopia (lazy eye)
  3. When I was sized for my wedding ring, they had to make a special order because they don’t usually have mens sizes that small
  4. I have super huge nostrils
  5. I have a crooked face and “chia” hair
  6. I assume my mom had a reason for always calling me “pumpkin head”

Biggest fan

1 Fan

See that? I have a fan. Somebody out there likes my blog. My one loyal fan is what keeps me going. Without that support, I would not be where I am today.

Is it bad that I’m my only fan?

Bozo

Bozo - Disproportionate features, Horizontal elevation

I recently cut my hair; all of it. I’ve been asked countless times why. I’m really not so sure why. The only “why” I know is why I grew my hair long to begin with. I was reminded of this as my hair began to grow back. As you can see from this detailed (and frighteningly accurate) diagram, there are two reasons why I miss my longer hair.

[Reason 1]: Sideways ‘fro; otherwise known as “bozo” hair. This would be a very good explanation as to why I was never seen without a hat.

[Reason 2]: I needed something to cover my face. I always used to wonder if my face was crooked, or if it was just my glasses. People always reassured me it was my glasses. I must have had dozens of pairs of glasses, and strangely they were all crooked. Well now that I’m liberated from glasses, I know they were lying.

Our First Married Christmas

A video of our adventure picking out a Christmas tree, and a time lapse of our tree decorating.