The miracle of takeout

I’m not very good at making trivial decisions. If it wasn’t for my fiance, I’d still be thinking about what I should have for dinner last Tuesday. So when you stink at making decisions and you’re going to order takeout food, how do you decide whether you should go through the drive thru or walk in and takeout? I pondered this for a while. I was by myself, so there was no one I could ask to make the decision for me. It was cold outside, and I would have to face the weather either by walking out in the cold, or by rolling down my window in the drive thru. I asked my car what I should do, and luckily he answered and my debate was solved. My window was frozen shut.

Famous chair

I’ve always wanted to be famous, and while you shouldn’t start worshiping the ground that I walk on just yet, you might start by worshiping the chair that I sit in. As a matter of fact, my chair starred in the movie Failure to Launch.

Famous chair from Failure to Launch

I’m very happy for my chair, but I have to admit it’s a little disheartening that my office chair is more famous than I am.

More reasons to change my name

The heating guy from Trane won’t stop calling me Jason.

I received a package addressed to Josh Meir.

My fiance has a way cooler last name than I do.

According to there are 653,932 Joshua’s and 314 Joshua Meyer’s in the US.

According to Google there are at least three Joshua Daniel Meyer’s. One is me, one is a todler, and another one, who happens to be the same age as me, is chillin in a correctional facility. I think I finally found my long lost evil twin brother.

What’s in my wallet

I keep quite a bit of stuff in my wallet. Not money, typically, but usually stuff like pictures and other memorable items. I say this to those who got an F in Morals class and wouldn’t mind “borrowing” a conveniently lost wallet.

Now to those who wouldn’t steal a fly if it landed in their soup; the only thing of some value that I keep in my wallet would be pretty much my whole life. Meaning, if my wallet somehow turned out to be not in my pocket, my life would be over. My life, in this context, consists of pretty much my life savings, as well as the key to my office, where you can find a beautiful Alienware computer and a camera that’s more expensive than yo momma.

So with this knowledge of what’s in my wallet, and of course my wallet, someone could theoretically steal my money, steal my identity, steal my job, and end my life. Good thing my wallet is ALWAYS in my pocket.

And now I think I’ve made it obvious enough what my next paragraph is about. It’s a very disoriented feeling when the hand thrust into your pocket pulls out nothing but pocket lint. I rechecked my pocket at least 5 or 6 times with diminishing hope each time. I traced my steps through my room, out to my car, and back to my office, which of course I can’t get into without the key that’s in my wallet that’s not where it’s supposed to be. I then called one of my coworkers who let me in, and I found my wallet under a backpack on top of a chair that I haven’t sat in since…well, I really don’t know if I’ve ever sat in that chair. Which is why I’m pretty much clueless as to how it got there.

Lucky Me

One time I stayed in a house with like 20 or so people. Everybody in the entire house got sick and threw up. Except for lucky me.

I was lucky enough not to hear my phone ring when a drunk guy called me at 3:28 in the morning looking for Al.

I played my first game of Phase 10 a couple days ago. Four games later, I’m undefeated.

I stare all day into dual 20 inch monitors plugged into a top-of-the-line Alienware computer. And I get paid.

My fiancé thanks me for finishing her ice cream.

Speaking of fiancé, am I lucky or what?!

Broken News Headlines

Instead of Breaking News, I decided to write some headlines that are already broken.

Government issues a nationwide ban of toasters to combat global warming

Nation responds in a “heated” protest.

Teenager invents junk-food-powered vehicle
“I was just riding my bike the other day when the idea came to me.”

Floyd Landis signs endorsement deal for steroid commercials
“It worked for me.”

Oxygen found to cause cancer
Cure is on the way, but don’t hold your breath.

Democratic candidate demands recount even though he won
“I just always wanted to say that.”

Elderly man votes against gay marriage ban
“Back in the old days, if you weren’t gay on your wedding day people would think something’s wrong.”

The creepy car

I’m no fan of Halloween, so it’s merely a coincidence that I’m sharing a scary story at this time of the year. Brace yourself and prepare to be frightened.

I had just exited walmart and walked up to my car. No sooner had I gotten inside and turned on the engine than I noticed the small red car in front of me creeping forward. It kept creeping and creeping slowly forward until it was so close to my car that there was no chance that I could get out of there without at least a poke at my bumper. This “creepy car” as we’ll call it, wasn’t exactly the shiniest car in the lot, to say the least. This made me fear that they maybe didn’t have the greatest insurance plan, which is kind of a scary thought. Inevitably the two cars made contact. An interesting note is that since both cars were red, any exchange of paint would be unnoticeable, which could be a good or bad thing. Luckily though, my license plate sticks out far enough that no layers of paint were laid. Well none that I noticed anyway.

You might be thinking that’s not so scary. But that’s not the scary story. The scary part is that as I watched the creepy car creep towards me, my life flashed before my eyes. And that’s a scary story. (If your idea of scary is unbearably boring.) To give you an idea, most people would shriek and run away if my life was flashed before their eyes.

Which leads me to my newest invention, the Flashlife ™. It’s a simple device like a flashlight that projects a series of images at undesirable life forms, flashing my life before their eyes. It’s more effective than pepper spray, and more convenient than explosives (and less illegal). I might use it tomorrow night to keep away any zombies or Frankensteins that wander up to my door. And to get back at that creepy car.

Modern art

I wrote myself a note the other day. My distinctly unique handwriting made it so beautiful that it’s almost a work of art. I considered framing it, until today when I attempted to read it. I’m still wondering what all those cryptic symbols are supposed to mean. (Note to self: Don’t write notes to yourself.) I wonder if the museum of modern art is open for submission?

Once Upon a Love Story

Once upon a time
In a land far away
There lived a young man
Whose world was dull and grey

His face was often sad
His mind was much confused
Cuz the only color he had
Was a certain shade of blues

He tried on his own
To color in the lines
But it couldn’t match the artistry
That true love defines

He knew he needed something
To add that certain hue
When a rainbow splash of color
Suddenly came into view

She was a pleasing sight
A diamond in the rough
But it was the beauty inside her
That made him sure enough

They shared precious moments
As they grew ever closer
And every minute she gave him
He remembered why he chose her

So then one beautiful evening
As the sun gleamed through the leaves
He found the courage to pull out
The plan stuck up his sleeves

He said, I love you
Donita Marie
I just have one question
Will you marry me?

This is how I proposed to the girl I’m now proud to call my fiance. She said yes, we stared at each other, we smiled, we laughed, we hugged, and I finished the story:

Their years were filled with love
Their days were filled with laughter
Their hearts could fly like doves
As they lived happily ever after

Marriage proposal photo