Age Animals Blog Booger Camera Cars Comics Computers Conversations Donita Exercise Eyes Fame Food Frustration Games Geek Hair Ice Cream Internet Inventions Josh Lazy Lego Loser Money Names Phone Photography Poetry Self Destruction Sick Sleep Toilet Paper Video Wife Words Work

Capital offence

Once upon a time, on a beautiful summer day, I was enjoying a nice, peaceful bike home from work only going about 20 mph or so. When I was just about home, I saw the neighbor’s evil and possessed dog out of the corner of my eye. He seemed to be minding his own business, but then all of a sudden he darted out into the street, wedged himself right under my front tire, and we collided. The ugly little dog yelped like nobody’s business, and I was launched straight up into the air and landed in the ditch. I didn’t care about the dog; I didn’t care that my glasses were broken; I didn’t care that my helmet was cracked open, or the fact that I myself was hurt. I just wanted to make sure that my bike was okay. The bike survived with a few scratches, a slightly bent pedal, and a derailed chain. The dog also survived, unfortunately.

I found out later that that wasn’t the first time something like that had happened to the dog. It turns out that it has actually been hit by cars multiple times. Yesterday I was driving my car home from work and there it was standing right in the middle of the road. I figured he would move out of the way when I got closer, but evidently he’s not that smart. He looked pretty sick, almost half dead. He may have wanted me to put him out of his misery. The thought was awful tempting, but I thought to myself, I said, “Self, if he’s been hit by cars before and nothing happened to him, then it’s no use to risk damaging my car trying to get rid of him.”

I lost my key, can I have yours?

I recieved a text message today from one of my friends who had just successfully locked herself out of her house. I laughed for a while and sent back a couple of wise cracks. Of course, she’s never going to hear the end of it. I thought about paying her a visit so I could sit and laugh and watch the show. What’s more, it even started raining a little. What better opportunity to make fun of your friends?

Rice Krispy Strips

What happens when you have Rice Krispies for breakfast and Crispy Strips for lunch? Well my little sister did, in which case she got the names confused and invented Rice Krispy Strips.

Excuses

So there I was, standing in line at the Wal-Mart courtesy desk with a return item in my hand. I had my excuse all polished up and ready to go, but I was getting a little nervous that they might interrogate me about why I was bringing the item back. I rehearsed my lines in my head to make sure that I didn’t mess up. Then it was my turn. I approached the desk, and just as I started to give my speech the clerk interrupted me and asked quite bluntly, “Would you like a return or an exchange?” That caught me a little off guard. I just wasn’t prepared for them to be that nice. And after all that time I put into preparing my speech, they just had to go and accept the return just like that. Who would have known that I didn’t need an excuse? You just can’t be prepared for something like that.

Photricity 2.0

Last year sometime, I told some of my friends that I was redesigning my website. Yeah right, like that would ever happen. My favorite hobby just so happens to be procrastination. They kept asking me if I was done yet, and I kept responding “No.” However, lately I’ve been growing increasingly sick of the old design. So much so that I can hardly even look at it anymore. I’ve been working on a new design some over a couple of free Saturdays, but never got so far as to actually finish it up. What’s even more sad is that since so much time has gone by, I’ve been getting tired of the new design already. So today, after putting everything aside and focusing on the goal, I’m proud…no wait, excited….no maybe……reluctant to announce the launch of Photricity 2.0. It’s there. Sort of. I’m nowhere near satisfied with it, but I just wanted something so I could get rid that old design. Ugh, don’t remind me.

Why didn’t I think of that?

I received a nice compliment today, something I don’t see very often. The other day I was asked to design a poster for a race car driver, who is sponsored by the company that I do graphic design work for. So I put together a simple rough draft, and the next day the crew chief came by my office to see what I had done, and to give me a better idea of what he wanted. He showed me a couple of old posters that they had, and I was eager to get on with the fun part. So today I put it together as fancy as I could with the time that I had, and I tweaked and polished it up. Then the crew chief stopped by again to take a look. Now I’ve gotten kind of used to people exploding with excitement when they see my work, but his reaction was a little different. He said, “Wow, that’s really good, maybe you should be a graphic designer.” I didn’t say anything, but I couldn’t help thinking to myself, “Huh…??”

Hurry up, wait, and get moving

So I’m next door to the main office building, waiting in the photo studio for someone to get off the phone so they can tell me what kind of pictures they want me to take. I have no clue what they want, so I can’t do anything until they get off the phone. I played with my camera for a little while, cleaned the lens, and all that good stuff. I was pretty bored so I tried licking my elbow. That bugs me. No matter how hard I try, I can’t lick my elbow. Anyway, so I snuck over to the shipping computer which has internet access, and called up my new favorite picture, which I just can’t stop looking at. And now, wouldn’t you know, I have tons to do.

Taxi!

I have a lot of friends. And I’m not sure, but I think it might have something to do with the fact that I own a car. Either way, I get a lot of people asking me for rides. One thing I find interesting is how the person who rides in the passenger seat usually seems to think that he has his own little brake that he can use when he wants the car to slow down. When I come to a turn or a stop sign or something, I have fun watching their leg get tense as they push their imaginary brake. It’s not like I drive very fast. I’m actually one of those geeky speed limit drivers. But with my luck, I would probably get pulled over for going three miles over the speed limit. I learned a lot from my older brother. I used to ride with him quite a bit and, well, he sort of showed me what not to do. And I always had fun pushing my own imaginary brake.

The Bachelor

If you’re one of the many hopeless romantics with a crush on the famous Josh Meyer, then rest easy because there may still be hope for you yet. With an almost innumerable flock of those deathly attracted to him, Josh has become simply overwhelmed by the number of girls telling him of their or someone else’s feelings for him. Starting this fall is an all new series of The Bachelor, with who else but Josh Meyer himself to select one lucky bachelorette from the countless applicants. Josh, a self-described unsociable “geek,” has long cherished his carefree bachelor lifestyle. However, amongst the infinite hopefuls, is there one girl who can stop Josh in his tracks and inspire him to settle down? Don’t wait any longer; send in your application to bachelor@photricity.com, along with a top-ten list of why he should select you and as much information about yourself as possible. Good luck, you’re going to need it.

Somebody hold me back

Last week I had a project for work that I needed to get printed out. I don’t have access to a top quality printer, so I had to take it to a “professional print shop” (note the quotation marks). I finished up the artwork and printed out a test page, which turned out fine; the right size, and accurate color. So I sent the files to the print shop and they printed out a test page. I looked it over real quick and something didn’t look right. I wanted it to be perfect, and since we needed 300 of them printed, I didn’t want them to screw it up. So I asked them if they printed it out at actual size or fit-to-page, and they said it was actual size. I gave them a skeptical “okay” and went back and got my own test print and compared it to the one they had done. Theirs was considerably larger, and it was clear that it was fit-to-page and definitely not the right size. So I showed them what it was supposed to look like and they seemed clueless, so I went into their computer room and showed them how to change it to print at actual size.

Well the job is completed now. I haven’t seen the finished product yet, but someone who has seen it told me that part of it that was supposed to be blue was printed out in black, and the wrong paper was used. I’m not so sure I want to see it now. I might get mad and hurt somebody, and I don’t want anyone getting hurt.