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Convincing the world I’m a loser since 1985.

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Better Left Unsaid

Some people say things that are profound and meaningful. Others spout nonsense that should never be uttered. Here are a few phrases to avoid.

Needless to Say

“Needless to say” is a phrase that, by it’s own definition, should never be uttered. Do yourself a favor, and don’t listen to anything that comes after this.

Are You Sleeping?

When a yes or no question can only be answered one way, it’s no longer a yes or no question. You might as well holler, “You are awake!” If someone hears you, then guess what, you’re right! Yell louder to increase your odds of success.

More or Less

So it could be this number, or it could be…any other number. You might as well just say, “I don’t know.”

Head-Over-Heels

In other words, your noggin is in it’s rightful place, north of your feet. If your head is ever not over your heels, something is wrong.

Does This Make Me Look Fat?

Again, there is only one possible answer.

It Goes Without Saying

By now you get the idea. This is what you say when you want to declare to everyone within earshot to ignore this nonsense coming from your pie hole.

Yeah, No

Which one is it!?

Um

[robot voice] Analyzing speech….Generating response….

You might as well have a loading progress bar on your face.

Not to Mention

This is what you say when you want to say you’re not going to say something, and then you immediately say it.

Google Assistant Feature Requests

The Google Assistant can do a lot of things, but I have a few… “suggestions.”Google Assistant
 

User: OK Google, add apples to my shopping list.
Assistant: That’s already on your shopping list, dummy.

User: Hey Google, send a message to Gary.
Assistant: Shut up, Gary is sleeping right now.

User: Okay Google, clear my schedule.
Assistant: You have nothing on your agenda for today.
User: Just make me look important.
Assistant: Got it, cancelling “Lunch with the President” at 12pm.

User: Hey Google, make a JIF.
Assistant: It’s pronounced GIF, Einstein.

User: Okay Google, what will the weather be like at 5pm?
Assistant: Cold and rainy and yucky.

User: Hey Google, make a sarcastic comment.
Assistant: Sure, because that’s a great use of my time.

User: Okay Google, play the next episode.
Assistant: Perhaps it’s time to go outside?

User: Hey Google, turn off the lights at 10pm.
No problem, setting a reminder for you to GO AND DO IT YOURSELF!

User: OK Google, play Christmas music.
Assistant: Dude, it’s not Christmas yet!

America’s Heroes

As we indulge in our Independence Day traditions of partying all weekend, stuffing our faces with insurmountable foods and treats, and shopping for last minute fireworks, potato salad, and patriotic swag, let’s not forget the heroes who make all this possible. The tireless warriors who aren’t able to recline in their dual-cup-holder collapsible lawn chair on July 4th; those whose work hours don’t end at 5; those so dedicated to the service of their country that Saturdays and Sundays are just like any other work day. A group of individuals whom I believe are some of the most underappreciated people in our country.

I’m speaking, of course, of those who work nights, weekends, and holidays. Dedicated workers who soldier on to keep our restaurants, department stores, drive-thrus, and gas stations open into all hours of the night. Heroes who prepare food for those who weren’t invited to anyone’s backyard BBQ. The army of minimum wage employees who hold down Fort Walmart on a day when everyone else expects to get paid vacation. On behalf of those who laugh at your career path, I would like to say thank you for your service. You keep America running when no one else will.

What I Eat in a Day (Whole Food Vegan)

This is what I ate today on a vegan whole foods, plant-based diet. It was a very typical weekday for me, as most of my meals are almost the same from day to day, with the exception of supper, which varies a bit more. My weekends are a little less predictable as well. I’ve included links to some informational videos from nutritionfacts.org to show why I eat (or don’t eat) some of the things that I mention here. As much as I can I try to avoid added salt, sugar, and oils, as well as white flour, processed foods, and of course meat, dairy, and eggs. But more important than what I don’t eat is what I do. Every day I strive to get a wide variety and a large amount of vegetables, fruits, whole grains, legumes, nuts, and seeds. Keep Reading

Dad Advice: Color Blindness

kid with lightsaberTeaching your kids the basics is essential. Numbers, letters, shapes; it’s knowledge that they will use for the rest of their life. Kids just eat that stuff up. But for the love of sanity, please don’t teach your kids colors. From the moment they can tell red from blue, you will never hear the end of, “I wanted the green bowl.” “Why can’t I have the yellow cup?” “She can’t have the blue spoon, she’s a girl.” A boy will lick his food off the floor before he eats from a pink plate. Your padawan will turn to the dark side if you give him the blue lightsaber instead of the green one. My eyes are in pain from pink everything. Parenting isn’t easy, but it’s just a little more tolerable with color blind kids.