I always find it amusing when I see people searching blindly for something. Sure, when you lose something you need to look for it, but there are more advanced techniques than fumbling around in the snow for your lost hockey puck. This is where logical searching comes in.
I put this to good use last Saturday when I played hockey with my family. Here’s the scenario: the puck goes flying into the snowbank and everybody jumps in and starts digging for it. I figured they could find it in no time, so I let them do their thing. But after a while of letting them do their thing, I decided to do my own thing. So, using a complex algorithm and compensating for the angularity and momentum of the projectile, I walked over to the spot, thrust my hand into the snow, and pulled out the hockey puck. No applause from my family, but at least we could keep playing hockey.
Another thing my family looks for often is the tv remote. Many times I’ve come home to a bunch of sad faces because the clicker is lost. And the same number of times I’ve stuck my hand under the recliner using logic and pulled it out of the same ol’ spot. Today, however, when I heard that the remote was once again lost, I used my logic to reason that they had by now caught on and had already looked under the chair. Consequently, I again did the math in my head and balanced the equation. So after finishing my ice cream, I stuck my hand deep under the chair cushion and pulled out none other than the tv remote. Without looking, without digging, and without getting up.
Snow is nice. It’s fun to look at and take pictures of. It’s fun to pack into a ball and hurl at someone’s face. It’s fun to ski in and sled in and slip and crack open your head in. It’s fun to stare at a monstrous driveway covered with a foot of the stuff while holding a puny shovel in hand. Well I guess that last one depends on how much of an optimist you are. But seriously, you should try it sometime. If you’ve ever attempted to eat a bowl of soup with a fork, you might have a slight idea of what it’s like.
Getting a valentine card in the mail from your grandma is nice, but really, what’s the point? For some reason Valentine’s day never used to mean that much to me. But I guess that was before I got to know a certain someone whose love is very loud. That was before I had my car vandalized with “I LOVE U!” in big giant letters. I suppose Valentine’s day really can’t mean that much unless you have someone special to spend it with.
Sitting at a stoplight the other day, I was startled by this loud, clangy bang sound followed by a continuous scraping noise. I looked in the direction and saw a rusted through car fleeing the scene. It looked like a pretty ordinary car, except that it had one distinguishing feature. The exhaust system was dragging on the ground. Well at least the parts that were still attached anyway. It’s things like this that make me feel good about my car.
I usually take the opposing side on most arguments, so I’m going to take this opportunity to explain how much I hate Krispy Kreme donuts. First of all, it really bugs me when things get my hands dirty, and this emotion is multiplied if my hands get sticky as well. The whole selling point for M&M’s was that they don’t melt in your hand, so take a hint Krispy Kreme. Secondly, if the frosting isn’t melting, it’s crumbling. You have to constantly set the donut down and pick up the crumbs before reaching for the donut again and repeating the cycle. And finally, in the presence of a Krispy Kreme your time is completely consumed by either attempting to control the urge to grab one (or two or three), or inevitably the fact that they just taste so good.
There are actually several advantages to living with your parents when you’re old. For one thing, you don’t have to worry about the tv wasting your time because there’s already somebody watching something that you don’t want to watch. And when you put your favorite shirt in the wash, you never see it again, which saves you the trouble of having to pick off the lint. All these and more, not to mention the health benefits from not being allowed to eat what you want.
I love the toilet paper in public bathrooms. The thin profile makes it theoretically impossible to plug the toilet, so you don’t have to use the plunger and get your hands dirty. And the quick dissolvability also saves you from having to moisturize your hands, because it accomplishes this naturally with your own excrement.
Allow me to introduce to you some of my newest coworkers. We aren’t usually assigned to the same projects, but we share the same office and they help me out some with my work. I’ve found them to be some of my closest friends too.
Lolly & Pops
Mixed Fruit Tetras
Characteristics: Likes to “lollygag” casually around the tank. Often “falls asleep” and starts drifting around, but gets abruptly awaken by Pops.
Characteristics: Don’t allow no “lollygaggin” in the tank. Gives Lolly a “pop” in the side when he falls asleep. Very mean and bossy. Makes sure everybody knows who’s in charge. (I thought about naming her after my girlfriend, but shhh)
Crispy & Strips
Color: White with black specks
Characteristics: Likes to follow behind Strips and chase him around. Also has a bit of a temper sometimes.
Color: Black with white specks
Characteristics: Plays Simon says with Crispy, but only when he gets to be Simon. Likes to play with the bubbles at the top of the water. Has a few distinguishing “strips” in his tailfin.
Tick & Tock
Color: Transparent Orange
Characteristics: Has a seemingly uncontrollable “tick” in his left fin. Likes to relax near the bottom of the tank.
Color: Transparent Orange
Characteristics: Siamese twins with Tick, separated at birth. A little more active than Tick. Likes to pick on Pops.
Okay, so I was in this weird looking building, looking at this weird looking door with a weird looking sign that said “PLEASE WALK IN.” I stared at it for a moment, slightly confused, but I decided to do the courteous thing and obey the sign. So I walked up to the door and reached for the doorknob, but it was locked. And then I was even more confused. Why would they ask me to walk in the door and then not let me in? It really bugged me, and it completely ruined my whole day.