Tag: Humor

Google Assistant Feature Requests

The Google Assistant can do a lot of things, but I have a few… “suggestions.”Google Assistant
 

User: OK Google, add apples to my shopping list.
Assistant: That’s already on your shopping list, dummy.

User: Hey Google, send a message to Gary.
Assistant: Shut up, Gary is sleeping right now.

User: Okay Google, clear my schedule.
Assistant: You have nothing on your agenda for today.
User: Just make me look important.
Assistant: Got it, cancelling “Lunch with the President” at 12pm.

User: Hey Google, make a JIF.
Assistant: It’s pronounced GIF, Einstein.

User: Okay Google, what will the weather be like at 5pm?
Assistant: Cold and rainy and yucky.

User: Hey Google, make a sarcastic comment.
Assistant: Sure, because that’s a great use of my time.

User: Okay Google, play the next episode.
Assistant: Perhaps it’s time to go outside?

User: Hey Google, turn off the lights at 10pm.
No problem, setting a reminder for you to GO AND DO IT YOURSELF!

User: OK Google, play Christmas music.
Assistant: Dude, it’s not Christmas yet!

Dad Advice: Color Blindness

kid with lightsaberTeaching your kids the basics is essential. Numbers, letters, shapes; it’s knowledge that they will use for the rest of their life. Kids just eat that stuff up. But for the love of sanity, please don’t teach your kids colors. From the moment they can tell red from blue, you will never hear the end of, “I wanted the green bowl.” “Why can’t I have the yellow cup?” “She can’t have the blue spoon, she’s a girl.” A boy will lick his food off the floor before he eats from a pink plate. Your padawan will turn to the dark side if you give him the blue lightsaber instead of the green one. My eyes are in pain from pink everything. Parenting isn’t easy, but it’s just a little more tolerable with color blind kids.