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Strength training

I seriously need to find some kind of training program to help me control my own strength. Without even trying I’ve sheared off two strong metal keys, ripped the handle off of a pliers, and knocked over a sky scraper. Okay, so the last one is a slight exaggeration, but the other ones really happened. The sky scraper is okay, but now what little is left of my key has a sharp edge that’s scratching everything else on my keychain. But look on the bright side, now I have a handy concealed weapon to use when I’m attacked by the neighbor’s evil pooch. So anyway, if the training doesn’t work then I suppose an industrial strength, heat treated, drop forged, reinforced steel pliers will have to take the place of my crippled one. And I just hope my stubby key still works so I can get to work in the morning.

Dead worship

I ran across this website the other day. I’m not trying to be a bother, a nuisance, or a bleeding pain in the neck, but does anyone else notice a striking similarity in their logo to “dead worship”?

1 Year, 100 Posts

Today completes one full year of blogging for me, and at the same time this is also my 100th blog article. In one year I have blogged about toilet paper three times, dead cats two times, poor eyesight four times, and made fun of myself countless times. But 100 posts doesn’t necessarily mean I’m a good writer, it just means I don’t have a life.

Strong-willed faucet

Reason number 2,491 why I don’t like public bathrooms:

If there’s anything worse than a leaky faucet, it’s a sassy one. Automatic faucets are cool, except they’re always either too cold or too hot. And then you can never seem to figure out where the censor is to get the thing to turn on. But apparently they have a mind of their own too, and can be pretty stubborn. Yesterday I had an encounter with one of these useless overkill gizmos. I walked up to the sink to wash my hands, but the faucet was already running. I stuck my hands under the stream, and logically enough the water turned off. I pulled my hands away and it turned back on. So after a couple repetitions of this process, I just stood there for a second watching the water run. But as soon as I walked away, the faucet turned off. If it was finally working right I’ll never know, because I had already given up hope of getting my hands wet.

I’m not 18

Okay, I’ll admit it; I don’t look as old as I am. And this fact proves itself by the frequency at which I get asked for ID. I don’t necessarily have a problem with displaying my drivers license to buy a pocket knife from walmart, but what confuses me is when they ask me if I’m 18. My first instinct is to say yes, but that would be untrue, because in fact I’m not 18. I’m 20. So I could either lie and say yes, or I could tell the truth and be denied a movie rental.

Tweaked Quotes Vol 2

Original: “When you live on a round planet, there’s no choosing sides.” -Wayne Dyer
Tweaked: “When you live on a round planet with other people, everyone chooses a side.”

Original: “If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.” -John Quincy Adams
Tweaked: “If your actions inspire others to eat more, sleep more, do less, and work less, you are a couch potato.”

Original: “A learned blockhead is a greater blockhead than an ignorant one.” -Benjamin Franklin
Tweaked: “A blockhead with Google is a greater blockhead than a learned one.”

Original: “We are shaped and fashioned by what we love.” -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Tweaked: “We are shaped and fashioned by our choice of potato chips.”

Original: “Nothing is so contagious as enthusiasm.” -Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Tweaked: “Nothing is so easily destroyed so enthusiasm.”

Original: “A small leak can sink a great ship.” -Benjamin Franklin
Tweaked: “A small leak can ruin a good Mountain Dew.”

Have a seat

You know how some people are always demanding that you put down the toilet seat after you’re done? Well I’ve always wondered why they only demand that you put the first lid down, the one with the hole in it. Nobody ever puts the second one down, the one that actually covers the seat. What’s the point if your toilet has a lid with a hole in it? And what’s the point of having a real lid if it’s always up? I guess it makes a good backrest, but then why not just have a backrest instead of a lid?

The hairless hairdo

I was waiting in line the other day to get my hair cut when I saw an older guy with hardly any hair left sitting in one of the barber chairs. Now if he wanted to cut off what little was left of his hair, that would be fine with me, but what confused me even more was that he was looking through a book of hair styles that really wouldn’t work with the little bit of fuzz that he had left.

Anyway, as I was getting my hair cut, the hair stylist had to leave me for a little while to tend to another customer. So I sat there and waited, and waited. Not that I mind waiting. It gives me a chance to think of something useless to write about in my blog. The only thing that bugged me was that my nose was itching and I couldn’t itch it because my hands were stuck under the giant bib.

Logical searching

I always find it amusing when I see people searching blindly for something. Sure, when you lose something you need to look for it, but there are more advanced techniques than fumbling around in the snow for your lost hockey puck. This is where logical searching comes in.

I put this to good use last Saturday when I played hockey with my family. Here’s the scenario: the puck goes flying into the snowbank and everybody jumps in and starts digging for it. I figured they could find it in no time, so I let them do their thing. But after a while of letting them do their thing, I decided to do my own thing. So, using a complex algorithm and compensating for the angularity and momentum of the projectile, I walked over to the spot, thrust my hand into the snow, and pulled out the hockey puck. No applause from my family, but at least we could keep playing hockey.

Another thing my family looks for often is the tv remote. Many times I’ve come home to a bunch of sad faces because the clicker is lost. And the same number of times I’ve stuck my hand under the recliner using logic and pulled it out of the same ol’ spot. Today, however, when I heard that the remote was once again lost, I used my logic to reason that they had by now caught on and had already looked under the chair. Consequently, I again did the math in my head and balanced the equation. So after finishing my ice cream, I stuck my hand deep under the chair cushion and pulled out none other than the tv remote. Without looking, without digging, and without getting up.

Finish your soup, dear

Snow is nice. It’s fun to look at and take pictures of. It’s fun to pack into a ball and hurl at someone’s face. It’s fun to ski in and sled in and slip and crack open your head in. It’s fun to stare at a monstrous driveway covered with a foot of the stuff while holding a puny shovel in hand. Well I guess that last one depends on how much of an optimist you are. But seriously, you should try it sometime. If you’ve ever attempted to eat a bowl of soup with a fork, you might have a slight idea of what it’s like.