Convincing the world I’m a loser since 1985.
I don’t quite understand Splenda, the “no calorie sweetener.” If it’s made from sugar and it tastes like sugar, how is it not sugar? I can understand how the fatty part of the sugar may have been removed, but it’s still sugar. If you have the ash remains of a cremated dead person, isn’t it still that person? You can correct me if I’m wrong (but of course I won’t listen to you). All they removed was the fatty part, so I guess that makes the rest of the dead person calorie free.
Despite having the easiest name in the universe to remember, people are always getting my name screwed up. I just don’t understand how Josh can be confused with Justin, Jeffrey, and even Jennifer. Well I suppose cuz they’re my siblings and we all start with J, but Josh’s make up like 70 percent of the population. You can’t really go wrong calling somebody Josh, so why call somebody anything else? I didn’t even know that the heating guy from Trane knew my name, but apparently he doesn’t because he calls me Jason. And that’s definitely not the first time I’ve been called Jason. I just may change my name to Jason to make everybody right. Or maybe I should just delete my name so I answer to everything.
I seriously need to find some kind of training program to help me control my own strength. Without even trying I’ve sheared off two strong metal keys, ripped the handle off of a pliers, and knocked over a sky scraper. Okay, so the last one is a slight exaggeration, but the other ones really happened. The sky scraper is okay, but now what little is left of my key has a sharp edge that’s scratching everything else on my keychain. But look on the bright side, now I have a handy concealed weapon to use when I’m attacked by the neighbor’s evil pooch. So anyway, if the training doesn’t work then I suppose an industrial strength, heat treated, drop forged, reinforced steel pliers will have to take the place of my crippled one. And I just hope my stubby key still works so I can get to work in the morning.
I ran across this website the other day. I’m not trying to be a bother, a nuisance, or a bleeding pain in the neck, but does anyone else notice a striking similarity in their logo to “dead worship”?
Today completes one full year of blogging for me, and at the same time this is also my 100th blog article. In one year I have blogged about toilet paper three times, dead cats two times, poor eyesight four times, and made fun of myself countless times. But 100 posts doesn’t necessarily mean I’m a good writer, it just means I don’t have a life.
Reason number 2,491 why I don’t like public bathrooms:
If there’s anything worse than a leaky faucet, it’s a sassy one. Automatic faucets are cool, except they’re always either too cold or too hot. And then you can never seem to figure out where the censor is to get the thing to turn on. But apparently they have a mind of their own too, and can be pretty stubborn. Yesterday I had an encounter with one of these useless overkill gizmos. I walked up to the sink to wash my hands, but the faucet was already running. I stuck my hands under the stream, and logically enough the water turned off. I pulled my hands away and it turned back on. So after a couple repetitions of this process, I just stood there for a second watching the water run. But as soon as I walked away, the faucet turned off. If it was finally working right I’ll never know, because I had already given up hope of getting my hands wet.
Okay, I’ll admit it; I don’t look as old as I am. And this fact proves itself by the frequency at which I get asked for ID. I don’t necessarily have a problem with displaying my drivers license to buy a pocket knife from walmart, but what confuses me is when they ask me if I’m 18. My first instinct is to say yes, but that would be untrue, because in fact I’m not 18. I’m 20. So I could either lie and say yes, or I could tell the truth and be denied a movie rental.
Original: “When you live on a round planet, there’s no choosing sides.” -Wayne Dyer
Tweaked: “When you live on a round planet with other people, everyone chooses a side.”
Original: “If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.” -John Quincy Adams
Tweaked: “If your actions inspire others to eat more, sleep more, do less, and work less, you are a couch potato.”
Original: “A learned blockhead is a greater blockhead than an ignorant one.” -Benjamin Franklin
Tweaked: “A blockhead with Google is a greater blockhead than a learned one.”
Original: “We are shaped and fashioned by what we love.” -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Tweaked: “We are shaped and fashioned by our choice of potato chips.”
Original: “Nothing is so contagious as enthusiasm.” -Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Tweaked: “Nothing is so easily destroyed so enthusiasm.”
Original: “A small leak can sink a great ship.” -Benjamin Franklin
Tweaked: “A small leak can ruin a good Mountain Dew.”
You know how some people are always demanding that you put down the toilet seat after you’re done? Well I’ve always wondered why they only demand that you put the first lid down, the one with the hole in it. Nobody ever puts the second one down, the one that actually covers the seat. What’s the point if your toilet has a lid with a hole in it? And what’s the point of having a real lid if it’s always up? I guess it makes a good backrest, but then why not just have a backrest instead of a lid?
I was waiting in line the other day to get my hair cut when I saw an older guy with hardly any hair left sitting in one of the barber chairs. Now if he wanted to cut off what little was left of his hair, that would be fine with me, but what confused me even more was that he was looking through a book of hair styles that really wouldn’t work with the little bit of fuzz that he had left.
Anyway, as I was getting my hair cut, the hair stylist had to leave me for a little while to tend to another customer. So I sat there and waited, and waited. Not that I mind waiting. It gives me a chance to think of something useless to write about in my blog. The only thing that bugged me was that my nose was itching and I couldn’t itch it because my hands were stuck under the giant bib.