Caffeinated blood

Some people can’t sleep when they’re sad. I have no problem when I’m sad, but I can’t sleep at all when I’m excited. It is now only 1,697,406 seconds until my wedding. I haven’t slept for at least 10 days, just from all the excitement. And I for sure won’t sleep the week after the wedding. In fact, I may never sleep again as long as I live. Being the luckiest guy in the world does have it’s disadvantages.

Unprocrastination

Today I was trying to figure out what the opposite of procrastination is, because if there is such a thing, my fiancé is definitely it. She always likes to get things done way ahead of time. But after hanging out with her for a while with that in mind, I finally discovered that the opposite of procrastination is impatience.

Fresh air

I had to buy a can of compressed air the other day. I wasn’t surprised when they asked me for ID, since I’ve kind of gotten used to that sort of thing. But then I put “I was asked for ID” together with “I was buying air.” Obviously they’re trying to prevent teenagers from getting that sort of stuff and inhaling it as a drug. But now I’m finding myself imagining a bunch of drugged-up air-heads saying things like “Hey guys, let’s go ‘air it out'” or “Dude, you got some serious air on that one.”

Laser eyes

Laser eyes - Before and After

This is my own estimated simulation of what I could see before and after LASIK eye surgery. (In this context, simulation basically means that it’s a photoshop blur turned up as far as it could go.) Overall, the surgery was a big success and I would do it over again any day. On the other hand, five separate 200 mile car trips for a surgery that itself only lasted 10 minutes is a little ironic. It’s like building a Rube Goldberg machine for clipping your toenails. And I’m still trying to figure out how a 0.1 oz container of 99.97% water is worth $70 at a pharmacy. But regardless, after a scratched cornea, a rough edge of a cornea flap, 48 eye drops per day, and a quarter million dollars worth of gas, things are looking really good.

Things you shouldn’t say to a guy with a time machine

1. Thanks for the gift. You really shouldn’t have done that.

2. You should invest in Enron. Their future looks really promising.

3. Here’s your new assignment, and we need this done yesterday.

4. Wanna bet?

5. Prepare for Y2K! The world as we know it could end!

6. April fools!

Imitating Myself

Here’s a tip: When you call to verify your new credit card and they ask for the last four digits of your social security number, make sure you don’t accidentally give them your girlfriend’s cell phone number because if you do, you might have to go through the whole 15 minute process of proving that you’re really you, which includes a multiple choice quiz about yourself and your entire life history which makes you wonder how they knew all that stuff about you in the first place, and then make you quote three different phone numbers four different times and then recite your social security number six times and describe all your previously owned cars and give your mother’s maiden name three times and I know this is a really long run-on sentence but it’s okay because I just read part of A Tale of Two Cities which has tons of terribly long sentences so since I want to be a famous writer like Charles Dickens I’m gonna try to copy his style of writing and from the looks of things I’m better at acting like someone else than I am at imitating myself.

Dancing wet floor man

Dancing wet floor man

I’m sure you’ve seen him around; the little hip dude on a yellow sign breakin’ out some moves. He may be small, but he sure gets around. The guy is everywhere. And he’s always dancing.

Every time I see him, people always drop and pull some break dance moves. You’d almost think the floor was slippery or something.

Over-Head Trajectory

Over-Head Trajectory Chart

I have a somewhat short attention span, so if someone uses big words while they’re talking to me, they might as well say goodbye to my imagination. Recently, someone had the nerve to say the word fosecious right to my face. Don’t ask me what it means. Worse yet, don’t ask me how to spell it correctly. My spell check doesn’t even know how to spell it. Way over my head. I thought about starting a boycott of big words, but the word boycott itself is kind of pushing it.