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Why didn’t I make spaghetti?

If you buy KFC on Mother’s Day you’d better not be in a hurry. Today being the universal mom’s day off, everybody and their great uncle twice removed is ordering chicken. This time lucky me was nominated as the family food fetcher, and I had no idea how big of a task this would be until I stepped in the door. After figuring out where the end of the squiggly line was, I figured I might as well make myself comfortable. Long story short, I had a lot of fun, I had a lot of time to think, and I made a lot of friends. Not by name, of course; everybody knows each other by order number. “Hi, I’m number 37, what’s your name?”

What I’ve learned today

Concrete blocks are heavy, and it hurts when they land on your fingers.

Gravel is kinda like Asparagus; it just tastes bad.

Sand in your eyes gives you such a happy feeling. It makes you wanna cry.

Super-Stik(tm) Adhesive is not afraid of sticking to your hands, especially under your fingernails.

Comment card

What do you do when you go to a restaurant and find lipstick on your drinking glass? Do you just sit there and ignore it like a good little boy and wind up catching Mad Cow Disease and Bird Flu? Do you blow up at the waitress in a steaming pile of anger and end up with a major headache and a bill for the damages, as well as stitches in your hand from the broken glass? Or do you do what my girlfriend did and politely ask for a new glass, most likely subjecting the rest of the city to the deadly wrath of the red lipstick, spreading AIDS and chicken pox and eventually killing off the human race.

I ended up giving the waitress a generous tip on how to wash dishes.

Rubber bands

I just gave away the last of my rubber bands. Now what am I going to do when my new computer arrives with its vast hoards of wires and cords? How am I gonna keep track of all my pens, pencils, and miscellaneous junk? How will I survive the war on terror with no ammo for my rubber band guns? After all, what good are pushpins, staples, and paper clips without rubber bands? It just sort of holds them all together, know what I mean?

Update: 5-4-06

Anonymous said…
“Do you have a lot of “office” supplies?”

I have enough thumb tacks to perform Acupuncture on an elephant, enough staples to hold together the Wall of China, and enough business cards to, well…what good are they for anyway? And paper clips? I won’t even go there. All I’ll say is that the guy who ordered them thought he was ordering three little packs of 100 paper clips, when he was really ordering three boxes of packs of 100 paper clips. And I still have no rubber bands.

Disorderly Conduct

Odds & Endings:

I almost got ran over by a crazy driver in an oncoming car. It was a girl driver, obviously.

I spent the better part of my day trying to convince my boss that I did something right the first time.

Today’s Engrish lesson:

Did you know that “fill in” means the same thing as “fill out“?

Proof of Loserocity:

I have toothpaste stains on either my shirt or my face approximately 63.8% of the time.

I got kicked out of the front seat by my little sister’s dolly.

Stupid question of the week:

“Are you deceased?” (I was asked this when filling in/out my taxes)

Little known phobias

[pointlessophobia]:
The fear of pocket lint getting stuck under your fingernails.

[circularpointlessophobia]:
The fear of catching pointlessophobia.

[oldpeopletechophobia]:
The fear of your computer transforming into a giant killer robot.

[overlyspecificphobia]:
The fear of 3:46pm.

[rubegoldbergphobia]:
The fear of lightning striking a tree, which falls on a colony of termites, who get mad and chew on a telephone pole, which falls on a car, which blows up and suffocates a pigeon, which crashes through a window, flinging shards of glass at a computer, causing it to upload a virus, which triggers a war with Japan, who fires a missile at the Bears football game, causing your neighbor to curse and swear, making his baby scream louder than a jet liner, thus damaging your eardrums.

That’s messed up

It’s raining right now. I like rain. Especially when it’s wet. Which is why I was standing out in the rain earlier, and as a result my hair got all wet and messed up. So you can probably imagine why I was confused when I came home and my parents were like, “Wow, your hair looks really nice.”

I spent all that time messing up my hair for nothing?

Shirley you can’t be serious!

I came across this website that scans your face and uses facial recognition to compare your face to those of celebrities. So I, being the curious type, decided to try it out. I tried using a couple of my pictures, and it showed me quite a variety of results. It likened my face to a bunch of weird looking people, most of which I’ve never heard of before and look nothing like me. Among them were Brendan Fraser, Michael J. Fox, and one that sort of took me by surprise…

Shirley look-alike

Yes, that’s right. As of today, I officially look like Shirley Temple.

A splendid comparison

Splenda isn’t sugar?

I don’t quite understand Splenda, the “no calorie sweetener.” If it’s made from sugar and it tastes like sugar, how is it not sugar? I can understand how the fatty part of the sugar may have been removed, but it’s still sugar. If you have the ash remains of a cremated dead person, isn’t it still that person? You can correct me if I’m wrong (but of course I won’t listen to you). All they removed was the fatty part, so I guess that makes the rest of the dead person calorie free.

Hi, my name is [insert obscure name here]

Despite having the easiest name in the universe to remember, people are always getting my name screwed up. I just don’t understand how Josh can be confused with Justin, Jeffrey, and even Jennifer. Well I suppose cuz they’re my siblings and we all start with J, but Josh’s make up like 70 percent of the population. You can’t really go wrong calling somebody Josh, so why call somebody anything else? I didn’t even know that the heating guy from Trane knew my name, but apparently he doesn’t because he calls me Jason. And that’s definitely not the first time I’ve been called Jason. I just may change my name to Jason to make everybody right. Or maybe I should just delete my name so I answer to everything.