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Lucky Me

One time I stayed in a house with like 20 or so people. Everybody in the entire house got sick and threw up. Except for lucky me.

I was lucky enough not to hear my phone ring when a drunk guy called me at 3:28 in the morning looking for Al.

I played my first game of Phase 10 a couple days ago. Four games later, I’m undefeated.

I stare all day into dual 20 inch monitors plugged into a top-of-the-line Alienware computer. And I get paid.

My fiancé thanks me for finishing her ice cream.

Speaking of fiancé, am I lucky or what?!

Broken News Headlines

Instead of Breaking News, I decided to write some headlines that are already broken.

Government issues a nationwide ban of toasters to combat global warming
Nation responds in a “heated” protest.

Teenager invents junk-food-powered vehicle
“I was just riding my bike the other day when the idea came to me.”

Floyd Landis signs endorsement deal for steroid commercials
“It worked for me.”

Oxygen found to cause cancer
Cure is on the way, but don’t hold your breath.

Democratic candidate demands recount even though he won
“I just always wanted to say that.”

Elderly man votes against gay marriage ban
“Back in the old days, if you weren’t gay on your wedding day people would think something’s wrong.”

The creepy car

I’m no fan of Halloween, so it’s merely a coincidence that I’m sharing a scary story at this time of the year. Brace yourself and prepare to be frightened.

I had just exited walmart and walked up to my car. No sooner had I gotten inside and turned on the engine than I noticed the small red car in front of me creeping forward. It kept creeping and creeping slowly forward until it was so close to my car that there was no chance that I could get out of there without at least a poke at my bumper. This “creepy car” as we’ll call it, wasn’t exactly the shiniest car in the lot, to say the least. This made me fear that they maybe didn’t have the greatest insurance plan, which is kind of a scary thought. Inevitably the two cars made contact. An interesting note is that since both cars were red, any exchange of paint would be unnoticeable, which could be a good or bad thing. Luckily though, my license plate sticks out far enough that no layers of paint were laid. Well none that I noticed anyway.

You might be thinking that’s not so scary. But that’s not the scary story. The scary part is that as I watched the creepy car creep towards me, my life flashed before my eyes. And that’s a scary story. (If your idea of scary is unbearably boring.) To give you an idea, most people would shriek and run away if my life was flashed before their eyes.

Which leads me to my newest invention, the Flashlife ™. It’s a simple device like a flashlight that projects a series of images at undesirable life forms, flashing my life before their eyes. It’s more effective than pepper spray, and more convenient than explosives (and less illegal). I might use it tomorrow night to keep away any zombies or Frankensteins that wander up to my door. And to get back at that creepy car.

Modern art

I wrote myself a note the other day. My distinctly unique handwriting made it so beautiful that it’s almost a work of art. I considered framing it, until today when I attempted to read it. I’m still wondering what all those cryptic symbols are supposed to mean. (Note to self: Don’t write notes to yourself.) I wonder if the museum of modern art is open for submission?

Once Upon a Love Story

Once upon a time
In a land far away
There lived a young man
Whose world was dull and grey

His face was often sad
His mind was much confused
Cuz the only color he had
Was a certain shade of blues

He tried on his own
To color in the lines
But it couldn’t match the artistry
That true love defines

He knew he needed something
To add that certain hue
When a rainbow splash of color
Suddenly came into view

She was a pleasing sight
A diamond in the rough
But it was the beauty inside her
That made him sure enough

They shared precious moments
As they grew ever closer
And every minute she gave him
He remembered why he chose her

So then one beautiful evening
As the sun gleamed through the leaves
He found the courage to pull out
The plan stuck up his sleeves

He said, I love you
Donita Marie
I just have one question
Will you marry me?

This is how I proposed to the girl I’m now proud to call my fiance. She said yes, we stared at each other, we smiled, we laughed, we hugged, and I finished the story:

Their years were filled with love
Their days were filled with laughter
Their hearts could fly like doves
As they lived happily ever after

Marriage proposal photo

Didn’t know that

I was just looking at the definition of the word “know.” Listed among the synonyms were “screw,” “hump,” and “bang.” Funny, but I always thought the definition of know was more something on the order of “to understand something.” I wouldn’t have guessed it to mean the same as a piece of attachment hardware, a camel’s back, or the sound a gun makes. They really don’t make dictionaries like they used to.

Bad language

I work for a music recording company, so I hear technical jargon all the time. Not just the usual stuff like hard drive and RAM, I hear some pretty serious stuff like DMX-4 and 24-80’s and all kinds of stuff with numbers and letters. And that’s just the beginning.

Of course, with myself being a graphic designer, I have my own jargon. But I try to refrain from using it, because the last time I did somebody thought I called them a dingbat.

Well that explains it

Proof that I’m a robot, or at least a cyborg (half robot):

1. I show no emotions or feelings
2. I’m impervious to extreme heat and cold
3. I’ve never broken a bone
4. I never sleep. I only recharge
5. I was programed to obey all commands from one particular person
6. I downloaded the Cold virus
7. I think really slow, revealing that my processor and RAM need an upgrade
8. I can operate on very little food, although I can consume large quantities on demand
9. I follow traffic laws to a capital T
10. I have monocular vision, which means the drivers for the CCD chips in my eyes are probably outdated
11. I can beat any human in a staring contest
12. I don’t get bored
13. I don’t age as fast as real people, which explains why I look like I’m 16 when I’m 20

It turns out artificial intelligence isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Let me tell you from experience, robots will never be smart enough to take over the world. Believe me, I’ve tried.

Currency conversion

Every country needs to have their own currency, and while I don’t quite have my own country (yet) that doesn’t mean I can’t have my own currency. Not owning a country never stopped Monopoly or Chuck E Cheese from creating a money system. My aim is to put a new meaning to the term “currency conversion.” I know people might not be too quick to give up their dollars and euros, but I hope that the masses will see the logic in my system and slowly convert to Ramens.

While coming just short of broke while paying the rent on my apartment, I inevitably learned the value of Ramen noodles. When faced with the choice between a bag of chips or a month’s worth of noodles, I quickly determined that eating to live is much more economical than living to eat. I also discovered that Ramen is one of the only diets where you can pretty much live off of the nickels you find on the ground. So I started using Ramens to gauge how much things are worth. For example, a pack of gum could be worth roughly 4 Ramens. Two scoops of ice cream at Culver’s is worth about 25 Ramens. When we move on to more expensive items like, say, a car, the numbers start getting bigger. A typical small car can cost upwards of 100,000 Ramens. So I created a larger unit of Ramens equal to a year’s worth of noodles. Using Ramen Years, that same car would cost about 760 Ramen Years.

If everyone converted to my currency, it would be so much simpler for everyone. And unlike paper bills, the money would actually be worth something. Maybe if I save up enough Ramens I could finally buy myself that country I’ve been wanting.

Update 8/23/2016: It’s happening!

Free the mints!

The best part of eating at Pizza Hut has always been the little peppermints you get after the meal. The sweet, round candies with an angelic flavor that leaves a fresh taste in your mouth. But the worst decision Pizza Hut has ever made was a while ago when they decided to switch out the peppermints with their wicked, evil twin, cinnamints. While virtually identical to peppermints, innocent and attractive on the outside, on the inside they are really strong and bitter. What’s even worse is that they have a thin, deceitful layer of peppermint to fool people into thinking that they’ve got the real thing. But as soon as the sugar-coated lie wears off and exposes the filth underneath, they see the malicious treat for what it really is and are immediately turned away. The once happy customer then leaves the restaurant unsatisfied and with a bad taste in their mouth.

We can’t let this go on. We must band together and fight the oppression of the cinnamints. Sign the petition and make a difference. Cinnamon mint is an oxymoron. Bring back the peppermints!