Convincing the world I’m a loser since 1985.
I recently met a kid whose name was Josh, and his dad was like, “Look, Josh, his name is Josh too!” The other day I met this guy and he was like, “Wow, you’re the third Josh I’ve met today. That’s so funny!” Get over it people! When you’re 6 it’s fun to find out that there’s another Josh in the world, but now it’s just not funny anymore. I dare you to walk into any business and ask to speak to Josh. It’s up to you what you say when they ask, “Which one?”
Jackie: Scott got a GPC, or whatever they’re called. You know, the thing that tells you where to go.
Me: It’s called a wife, Jackie.
Donita: Where are you?
Me: In the car.
Donita: No, where are you located in the car?
Me: In the driver’s seat.
Cynthia: What does LMAO mean?
Me: It means Laughing My Butt Off.
Cynthia: But that doesn’t w……oh.
Donita: Guess what, Josh, I am done in 2 in a half hours
Me: and a half
Donita: no just two in a half
Me: And a half
Donita: no
Me: two and a half
Donita: lol oha
I’ve used the Firefox web browser for quite a while, and I literally haven’t seen an internet ad in years, thanks to the AdBlock extension. But recently Google released the Chrome browser, and I thought I’d give it a try. It doesn’t have ad blocking yet, but I figured it can’t be that bad since more than 70% of people are still using Internet Explorer, ads and all. The ads are kind of fun to play with actually. Especially the interactive ones. But my productivity went down to zero as I found myself just fiddling with the ads and blocking out the rest of the website.
Chiming clocks always sound like a good idea until you’ve lived with one for a while. You’ll always know the time, whether you want to or not. But just one attempted nap and the coolness is gone. It will have you pulling out your hair before the third ding of nine o’ clock.
Well my hair has started thinning recently, due to one of these clocks. Just turn off the chime, right? There’s a little switch in the back, right? Not so much. To design a clock that is unable to not chime is kind of broken. So I decided to fix it. I got out my little multi-tool and I fixed it the same way they fix your cat when you don’t want any more kittens.
I neutered the clock.
I live in a very quiet, peaceful neighborhood, and my neighbors mostly just keep to themselves. But there’s something strange about the nice old lady across the street. She sounds harmless right? Well one fine afternoon I stepped outside to do some tree trimming, but before I could so much as pluck off a leaf she runs outside and yells “Hey, you need a ladder?” I could do nothing but stand there and wonder if she’s got some kind of telekineplectic connection to my brain. We bought curtains soon after that.
Update: The plot thickens
A picture is supposed to be worth a thousand words, right? So if you have a typical video that shows 29.97 frames per second, that video should theoretically be worth 29,970 words per second. One minute of video would be worth 1,798,200 words, and an hour would gross 107,892,000 words. So let’s say you have 30 movies that are an hour and a half each. That’s 4,855,140,000 words right there on your bookshelf.
Even my wife doesn’t talk that much.
The Phoenix Mars Lander recently found this white substance on Mars. Scientists aren’t sure exactly what it is, but I recognized it instantly. It’s Rocky Road ice cream!
Good news for all the Josh’s in the world (a.k.a. almost everyone). The rate at which parents are punishing their kids by naming them Josh is declining. This could mean one of two things. Either people are getting more creative when they’re naming their kids, or Josh’s have just made a bad impression on the world.
I’m in the middle of a process that I call the most depressing thing in the world. I’m buying a house. I’d be happy to just pay for the house, but that’s not how a mortgage works. In the end I will have paid enough money for two and a half houses. (That’s more than 2 million Ramen Noodles!) The word “mortgage” begins with the first four letters of the word “mortuary” for a reason. You’ll be paying it off until you’re dead. I’ve signed a paper that says I’ll be dumping my income into a black hole for the next 30 years. Other fees include my firstborn son, my soul, a bucket of pretty pennies, two arms and a leg, and any other expression you can think of that means a lot of money.
I catch myself sometimes using the words cheesy and corny with the same meaning, but I’ve started to wonder if they mean the same thing or not. I checked out the nutritional facts and found that cheesy is defined as “cheap or poor quality” while corny is synonymous with “old-fashioned and unoriginal.” While cheesy sounds more tasteful to me initially, I think corny might be more wholesome and satisfying.