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Laser eyes

Laser eyes - Before and After

This is my own estimated simulation of what I could see before and after LASIK eye surgery. (In this context, simulation basically means that it’s a photoshop blur turned up as far as it could go.) Overall, the surgery was a big success and I would do it over again any day. On the other hand, five separate 200 mile car trips for a surgery that itself only lasted 10 minutes is a little ironic. It’s like building a Rube Goldberg machine for clipping your toenails. And I’m still trying to figure out how a 0.1 oz container of 99.97% water is worth $70 at a pharmacy. But regardless, after a scratched cornea, a rough edge of a cornea flap, 48 eye drops per day, and a quarter million dollars worth of gas, things are looking really good.

Things you shouldn’t say to a guy with a time machine

1. Thanks for the gift. You really shouldn’t have done that.

2. You should invest in Enron. Their future looks really promising.

3. Here’s your new assignment, and we need this done yesterday.

4. Wanna bet?

5. Prepare for Y2K! The world as we know it could end!

6. April fools!

Imitating Myself

Here’s a tip: When you call to verify your new credit card and they ask for the last four digits of your social security number, make sure you don’t accidentally give them your girlfriend’s cell phone number because if you do, you might have to go through the whole 15 minute process of proving that you’re really you, which includes a multiple choice quiz about yourself and your entire life history which makes you wonder how they knew all that stuff about you in the first place, and then make you quote three different phone numbers four different times and then recite your social security number six times and describe all your previously owned cars and give your mother’s maiden name three times and I know this is a really long run-on sentence but it’s okay because I just read part of A Tale of Two Cities which has tons of terribly long sentences so since I want to be a famous writer like Charles Dickens I’m gonna try to copy his style of writing and from the looks of things I’m better at acting like someone else than I am at imitating myself.

Dancing wet floor man

I’m sure you’ve seen him around; the little hip dude on a yellow sign breakin’ out some moves. He may be small, but he sure gets around. The guy is everywhere. And he’s always dancing.

Every time I see him, people always drop and pull some break dance moves. You’d almost think the floor was slippery or something.

Over-Head Trajectory

Over-Head Trajectory Chart

I have a somewhat short attention span, so if someone uses big words while they’re talking to me, they might as well say goodbye to my imagination. Recently, someone had the nerve to say the word fosecious right to my face. Don’t ask me what it means. Worse yet, don’t ask me how to spell it correctly. My spell check doesn’t even know how to spell it. Way over my head. I thought about starting a boycott of big words, but the word boycott itself is kind of pushing it.

The miracle of takeout

I’m not very good at making trivial decisions. If it wasn’t for my fiance, I’d still be thinking about what I should have for dinner last Tuesday. So when you stink at making decisions and you’re going to order takeout food, how do you decide whether you should go through the drive thru or walk in and takeout? I pondered this for a while. I was by myself, so there was no one I could ask to make the decision for me. It was cold outside, and I would have to face the weather either by walking out in the cold, or by rolling down my window in the drive thru. I asked my car what I should do, and luckily he answered and my debate was solved. My window was frozen shut.

Famous chair

I’ve always wanted to be famous, and while you shouldn’t start worshiping the ground that I walk on just yet, you might start by worshiping the chair that I sit in. As a matter of fact, my chair starred in the movie Failure to Launch.

Famous chair from Failure to Launch

I’m very happy for my chair, but I have to admit it’s a little disheartening that my office chair is more famous than I am.

More reasons to change my name

The heating guy from Trane won’t stop calling me Jason.

I received a package addressed to Josh Meir.

My fiance has a way cooler last name than I do.

According to howmanyofme.com there are 653,932 Joshua’s and 314 Joshua Meyer’s in the US.

According to Google there are at least three Joshua Daniel Meyer’s. One is me, one is a todler, and another one, who happens to be the same age as me, is chillin in a correctional facility. I think I finally found my long lost evil twin brother.

Heartbreaker

Based on the book “Heartbreaker” by Julie Garwood

What’s in my wallet

I keep quite a bit of stuff in my wallet. Not money, typically, but usually stuff like pictures and other memorable items. I say this to those who got an F in Morals class and wouldn’t mind “borrowing” a conveniently lost wallet.

Now to those who wouldn’t steal a fly if it landed in their soup; the only thing of some value that I keep in my wallet would be pretty much my whole life. Meaning, if my wallet somehow turned out to be not in my pocket, my life would be over. My life, in this context, consists of pretty much my life savings, as well as the key to my office, where you can find a beautiful Alienware computer and a camera that’s more expensive than yo momma.

So with this knowledge of what’s in my wallet, and of course my wallet, someone could theoretically steal my money, steal my identity, steal my job, and end my life. Good thing my wallet is ALWAYS in my pocket.

And now I think I’ve made it obvious enough what my next paragraph is about. It’s a very disoriented feeling when the hand thrust into your pocket pulls out nothing but pocket lint. I rechecked my pocket at least 5 or 6 times with diminishing hope each time. I traced my steps through my room, out to my car, and back to my office, which of course I can’t get into without the key that’s in my wallet that’s not where it’s supposed to be. I then called one of my coworkers who let me in, and I found my wallet under a backpack on top of a chair that I haven’t sat in since…well, I really don’t know if I’ve ever sat in that chair. Which is why I’m pretty much clueless as to how it got there.