Blog

Convincing the world I’m a loser since 1985.

Accessibility Animals Blog Camera Cars Code Comics Computers CSS Design DIY Donita Exercise Eyes Fame Food Frustration Geek How-to HTML Inventions JavaScript Josh Lazy Lego Loser Marketing Money Names Page Speed Responsive Design Self Destruction SEO UX Wife WordPress Words Work

Hurry up, wait, and get moving

So I’m next door to the main office building, waiting in the photo studio for someone to get off the phone so they can tell me what kind of pictures they want me to take. I have no clue what they want, so I can’t do anything until they get off the phone. I played with my camera for a little while, cleaned the lens, and all that good stuff. I was pretty bored so I tried licking my elbow. That bugs me. No matter how hard I try, I can’t lick my elbow. Anyway, so I snuck over to the shipping computer which has internet access, and called up my new favorite picture, which I just can’t stop looking at. And now, wouldn’t you know, I have tons to do.

Taxi!

I have a lot of friends. And I’m not sure, but I think it might have something to do with the fact that I own a car. Either way, I get a lot of people asking me for rides. One thing I find interesting is how the person who rides in the passenger seat usually seems to think that he has his own little brake that he can use when he wants the car to slow down. When I come to a turn or a stop sign or something, I have fun watching their leg get tense as they push their imaginary brake. It’s not like I drive very fast. I’m actually one of those geeky speed limit drivers. But with my luck, I would probably get pulled over for going three miles over the speed limit. I learned a lot from my older brother. I used to ride with him quite a bit and, well, he sort of showed me what not to do. And I always had fun pushing my own imaginary brake.

The Bachelor

If you’re one of the many hopeless romantics with a crush on the famous Josh Meyer, then rest easy because there may still be hope for you yet. With an almost innumerable flock of those deathly attracted to him, Josh has become simply overwhelmed by the number of girls telling him of their or someone else’s feelings for him. Starting this fall is an all new series of The Bachelor, with who else but Josh Meyer himself to select one lucky bachelorette from the countless applicants. Josh, a self-described unsociable “geek,” has long cherished his carefree bachelor lifestyle. However, amongst the infinite hopefuls, is there one girl who can stop Josh in his tracks and inspire him to settle down? Don’t wait any longer; send in your application to [email protected], along with a top-ten list of why he should select you and as much information about yourself as possible. Good luck, you’re going to need it.

Somebody hold me back

Last week I had a project for work that I needed to get printed out. I don’t have access to a top quality printer, so I had to take it to a “professional print shop” (note the quotation marks). I finished up the artwork and printed out a test page, which turned out fine; the right size, and accurate color. So I sent the files to the print shop and they printed out a test page. I looked it over real quick and something didn’t look right. I wanted it to be perfect, and since we needed 300 of them printed, I didn’t want them to screw it up. So I asked them if they printed it out at actual size or fit-to-page, and they said it was actual size. I gave them a skeptical “okay” and went back and got my own test print and compared it to the one they had done. Theirs was considerably larger, and it was clear that it was fit-to-page and definitely not the right size. So I showed them what it was supposed to look like and they seemed clueless, so I went into their computer room and showed them how to change it to print at actual size.

Well the job is completed now. I haven’t seen the finished product yet, but someone who has seen it told me that part of it that was supposed to be blue was printed out in black, and the wrong paper was used. I’m not so sure I want to see it now. I might get mad and hurt somebody, and I don’t want anyone getting hurt.

Exercise Bike

This week I got my road bike tuned up and I took it out for a ride. I decided on the rout I wanted to take, which was about ten miles total, and I took off. I chose a short rout because the season had just begun, and I wanted to start out small. But I felt pretty confident, so I didn’t bring along any tools or cellphone or anything. The conditions were perfect for riding. The temperature was just right and there wasn’t much wind. It felt really good to get out and ride again. But there was one small incident during the ride that I suppose could have turned out a little better. On the second half of the trip, about four miles from home, I shifted gears as I came to a large, steep hill. My bike was working great since it had just gotten tuned up, but for some reason my chain wanted to put up a fight, and it came off. “No prob,” I thought, and I jumped off my bike to put the chain back on. But if you know me, you know that I’m not that lucky. The chain was stuck. I worked at it for probably at least ten minutes with no tools, and no luck. I finally gave up, picked up my bike, and ran the rest of the way home. I guess sometimes you get your exercise whether you want to or not.

Behold Thou This Tragedy

O, Woe to me, I cried
Mine heart doth ache inside
Most assuredly mine pride
Hath thus rent open wide

I reveal thus unto thee
For mine pain thou canst not see
O, How I wish that I could flee
From this dreadful tragedy

Behold mine awful blunder
Hath brought forth the sound of thunder
Furthermore, if thou doth wonder
Mine pants hath torn asunder!

Illegally blind

Yeah well I managed to fill out my taxes in time so I didn’t have to go to prison and get my head amputated. Besides asking me way too many questions about my non-existent spouse, they also kept begging me to donate money to the Packers. One interesting question they asked me was, “Are you legally blind?” No, actually I’m illegally blind. And after I had filled out their first set of extensively tedious questions, there was a message that said, “Now that we’ve collected your PERSONAL INFORMATION, please tell us about your income.” Now don’t that make ya feel real good about spilling your guts out to the IRS?

Who hast done this blasphemous thing

It seemed just like a regular Monday morning. I forced myself to get up, ate my cheerios, and drove in to work. I opened up my office, turned on my computer, and sat down. But something wasn’t right. Something was different. Something in the atmosphere was telling me that…that…my keyboard was a quarter inch from its usual spot. My computer speakers were turned in a different direction. My stapler, my tape dispenser, my phone, and my candy cane heart; all slightly out of place. One thing was clear; someone or something had been in my office. I started to move my pen holder about two inches back over to where I had it before, but something caught my eye. No! I couldn’t believe it. I wouldn’t believe it. My desk…….it was clean.

Grow up

It stinks being young. I wish I could just grow up and get on with life. Immaturity is way too prevalent at a young age. When you’re grown up there’s nothing left to learn the hard way, and you don’t have to worry about your eyes getting worse. And there’s no one telling you that you’re too young for things. You have so much freedom, and no one can tell you what to do. Being young is just unproductive and useless fun. And there’s just too many choices, I can never seem to make up my mind…