Year: 2005

You know you need a new car when:

You rub against your fender and a huge pile of rust settles on the ground.

Your passengers have to get out and walk because you can’t make it up the hill.

You accelerate and brake really hard when you drive somebody’s new car because you’re used to sticky pedals.

You hold a contest to see who can make the biggest dent on your hood.

You can’t tell if the road is bumpy, or if the duct tape just needs to be replaced.

Changing your oil and putting air in your tires is a weekly habit.

You can’t hear the stereo over the rattling noises.

You’ve paid more for repairs than you originally paid for your car and the repairman knows you by name.

You no longer lock your car doors. Not only because you haven’t the slightest worry of your car being stolen, but because you’re afraid that you might not be able to get it open again if you do.

The only time your cruise works is when you are being towed.

Wrinkle-free

I’m thankful for lots of things. Among those things are Sunday afternoon naps. And wrinkle-free shirts. The last time I took a Sunday afternoon nap, my shirt was more wrinkled than a…..really wrinkly object. And so I had to change my shirt before I could go to the evening church service. But not this time. This time I’ve got 100% wrinkle-free cotton.

Extra crispy

I went to a golf tournament the other day, so people kept asking me if I was really good at golf. The answer was of course, no. I just went for the dinner afterwards and the nice, thick sunburn. My skin is really white, so I burn pretty easy. But my steak was even more red than my sunburn. Is it too much to ask for them to cook the meat before you eat it? My steak was rare, but at least I was well done.

Ice cream sandwich

I’m beginning to see how talented my mom is. You see, I was the last one to get to the ice cream, and so I had to put it back in the freezer. Ha, easier said than done. With such a large family, our freezer wouldn’t have room for a popsicle, much less a container of ice cream. I was lucky I caught it before it fell on the floor this time, but I squished it pretty good trying to fit it in between the pizza and the frozen peas. I just can’t figure out how my mom does it.

The Jury Is Out

So I’ve been selected as a prospective juror. I received a questionnaire in the mail that I need to either fill out and return in ten days, or pay a $500 fee. Of all the dumbest obvious questions they could have asked, they just had to ask: “Can you understand the English language?” Is that really worth asking?

If Paul had a blog…

Have you ever wondered what Paul the Apostle would write about if he had a blog? Well I have. So I did a comprehensive internet search, and you’ll never believe what I found. Suspended far out in the realm of cyberspace; highly encrypted, and almost indecipherable; I found out that Paul actually did have a blog. I’ve decrypted it, debugged it, and published it at http://ifpaulhadablog.blogspot.com. It’s a very interesting blog with exclusive, never before seen writings and thoughts from the man himself. However, a giant rift in the space-time continuum created a little problem. Instead of all of Paul’s blog posts being decrypted all at once, the bend in the continuum caused each post to be published with respect to the time it was published. As a result, you’ll have to keep checking back to Paul’s blog as the decryption process continues.

Very SADD indeed

I’ve been trying to figure out what my problem is. I don’t have time to go to the doctor, so I’ll just diagnose it myself. Here are the symptoms:

While somebody is talking, I can nod my head, smile, say “uh huh,” and not know a word that was just said. While reading a book, my mind often wanders a million miles away, buy my eyes continue reading the book and follow along and I’ll have no clue what I just read. People ask me to remind them of things, but it’s no use because I usually need them to remind me to remind them. My brain will be completely fried within fifteen minutes during a math test. And last but not least, I procrastinate.

I thought it might be Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), but it can’t be that because I don’t misplace things very often and I’m not restless or impatient. In fact, I’m usually a very calm person, and I can beat anyone in a staring contest. So I think I’m going to call it Simplified Attention Deficit Disorder (SADD). As of yet, there is no cure.

Capital offence

Once upon a time, on a beautiful summer day, I was enjoying a nice, peaceful bike home from work only going about 20 mph or so. When I was just about home, I saw the neighbor’s evil and possessed dog out of the corner of my eye. He seemed to be minding his own business, but then all of a sudden he darted out into the street, wedged himself right under my front tire, and we collided. The ugly little dog yelped like nobody’s business, and I was launched straight up into the air and landed in the ditch. I didn’t care about the dog; I didn’t care that my glasses were broken; I didn’t care that my helmet was cracked open, or the fact that I myself was hurt. I just wanted to make sure that my bike was okay. The bike survived with a few scratches, a slightly bent pedal, and a derailed chain. The dog also survived, unfortunately.

I found out later that that wasn’t the first time something like that had happened to the dog. It turns out that it has actually been hit by cars multiple times. Yesterday I was driving my car home from work and there it was standing right in the middle of the road. I figured he would move out of the way when I got closer, but evidently he’s not that smart. He looked pretty sick, almost half dead. He may have wanted me to put him out of his misery. The thought was awful tempting, but I thought to myself, I said, “Self, if he’s been hit by cars before and nothing happened to him, then it’s no use to risk damaging my car trying to get rid of him.”

I lost my key, can I have yours?

I recieved a text message today from one of my friends who had just successfully locked herself out of her house. I laughed for a while and sent back a couple of wise cracks. Of course, she’s never going to hear the end of it. I thought about paying her a visit so I could sit and laugh and watch the show. What’s more, it even started raining a little. What better opportunity to make fun of your friends?