That’s bacon?

I had bacon for breakfast this morning, but there was some question in my mind about what kind of “bacon” it was. There was several possibilities of what it could have been, one being an artificial composite bacon, which we have had in the past. Although it somewhat resembles the flavor of bacon, I think it would be a little more accurately compared to cardboard. Another likely candidate was turkey bacon, which we have also had before. The spices that they use do a pretty good job of disguising the fact that it’s turkey, but it still lacks the greasy, fattening nature of bacon, which is what makes bacon so great. But judging by the texture and hardness of the material that I was consuming, I figured it was most likely dog food. You know, those yummy “Beggin’ Strips” that you see on tv. So I kept that lovely thought in my mind while I crunched it down. But I later found out that it was actually real bacon which my dad had burnt to a crisp.

What’s for lunch?

Today was kind of an interesting day at work. I had a business meeting in the morning and didn’t get to eat my lunch until late. But it’s what was in my lunch that was so interesting. And I don’t mean the peanut butter and jelly sandwich, or the raw vegetables consisting of carrots, celery, broccoli, and cauliflower. That was pretty much the typical lunch that I’ve gotten used to. It’s not necessarily boring, but….okay yeah it’s boring. Now the interesting part of my lunch actually wasn’t food at all. And now you might be thinking, “Then…why was it in your lunch?” That’s a good question, and I’m glad you asked. I’m still trying to figure out how a little green worm would have gotten in my lunch.

Extra crispy

I went to a golf tournament the other day, so people kept asking me if I was really good at golf. The answer was of course, no. I just went for the dinner afterwards and the nice, thick sunburn. My skin is really white, so I burn pretty easy. But my steak was even more red than my sunburn. Is it too much to ask for them to cook the meat before you eat it? My steak was rare, but at least I was well done.

Being nice…unsuccessfully

Once upon a time…well okay last night…I went out with some friends to get something to eat. We decided to go to Subway, only to find that they were out of bread. Who woulda thought that Subway would be out of bread? Anyway, next on the list was Pizza Hut so we marched over there. Since I can never make up my mind, I took a vote on what kind of food I should get. I first narrowed it down to everything that has a picture—I gotta see a picture of something before I order it. Well the poll came out unanimous for the Chicken P…Pr…..Prim……um, one of those Italian words that I can never remember how to pronounce. The picture looked good, so I took the challenge and found that it tasted every bit as good as it looked. It filled me up pretty well too.

But then the horror was unleashed, and the war started. The waiter brought us the bill and I raced to get it before anyone else was able to pay for it. I struggled unsuccessfully through the vicious crowd with everybody tearing at my shirt to hold me back, while they tossed around the bill to keep it from me. I lunged, twisted, and dived, desperately trying so fulfill the objective, and I hurled myself without any respect for my own body and managed to grasp the object with my fingertips. I seized the target with every ounce of strength that I could muster, and struggled to free myself from my oppressors. When I had managed to work myself free, I sprinted to the checkout register, threw my hand into my back pocket and pulled out………..nothing. After all the pain and effort of capturing the bill into my custody, not a thing could have saddened me more than to find that I had left my wallet at home. In disbelief, I felt around once more in my pocket for the chance that there was something there, but again found nothing. By this time the mob was already upon me, but there was no longer anything that I could do. They overtook me, and snatched the bill from my hand. I watched in unconceivable horror as they happily paid for my food, and I sunk into a sad pile of misery. It almost hurts sometimes to have such nice friends.

It’s not a stain, honest

Well today I had spaghetti for supper, and me being the creative person that I am, I always like to find more than one use for things. Spaghetti is a very effective food substance, but I found that it is also a very convenient and cost effective dye for clothing. It has quite an elegant color to it, and it creates some very interesting and attractive designs. I believe it could turn out to be one of the latest fads and become quite popular within the next couple of months. It also looks to be one of the most profitable investments that I’ve made, and I’m working to register the trademark Spaghettdye. I’ve yet to find out if it’s washable or permanent, as I haven’t fully completed testing on it at the moment.