Out of the Picture

My wife and I decided we’d like to get some new pictures of the two of us. Of course, me being a photographer, I grabbed my tripod and remote control and did it myself. We had fun and I felt like we got some good pictures. But when I loaded them onto my computer and started flipping through them, I puked a little. One side of all the pictures was beautiful and radiant, while the other side resembled a retarded rat that was hit by a truck and knocked into a barrel of toxic waste.

But towards the end I reached a photo that looked surprisingly good. It’s hard to understand why. Everything about the shot was wrong. It was an accidental exposure and it was very out of focus. I think the thing that makes the picture work so well is the visibility of certain elements of the subject. Have a look for yourself.

Josh & Donita Meyer

Now if you’re thinking that I’m just being modest and the rest of the pictures actually looked good, bear in mind that you didn’t see the other pictures. Pray you never will.

Getting The Point Across: Interesting Conversations

Jackie: Scott got a GPC, or whatever they’re called. You know, the thing that tells you where to go.
Me: It’s called a wife, Jackie.

Donita: Where are you?
Me: In the car.
Donita: No, where are you located in the car?
Me: In the driver’s seat.

Cynthia: What does LMAO mean?
Me: It means Laughing My Butt Off.
Cynthia: But that doesn’t w……oh.

Donita: Guess what, Josh, I am done in 2 in a half hours
Me: and a half
Donita: no just two in a half
Me: And a half
Donita: no
Me: two and a half
Donita: lol oha

Thousand Words

A picture is supposed to be worth a thousand words, right? So if you have a typical video that shows 29.97 frames per second, that video should theoretically be worth 29,970 words per second. One minute of video would be worth 1,798,200 words, and an hour would gross 107,892,000 words. So let’s say you have 30 movies that are an hour and a half each. That’s 4,855,140,000 words right there on your bookshelf.

Even my wife doesn’t talk that much.

The Electronic Bible

The Electronic Bible

I got my wife a sweet pink Bible for Christmas. But I guess it’s sweeter than I originally thought. Apparently it lists specific operating temperatures because now she’s all worried about it getting too cold or too hot. I’m not sure what it does better than a regular analog Bible, but I’m still looking for the system requirements and the troubleshooting tips.

Oh bother

Flabbergasted

My wife felt like she would be cool and use the word flabbergasted. Then she asked me what the definition was. “It sounds like someone’s personal problem,” she said. And it does. Just imagine someone saying, “He he, ‘scuse me, I flabbergasted.” Or, “I can’t eat that. It gives me flabbergastion.” I can see someone calling in to work: “I have a flabbergasture of 73.9 and I think it’s contagious because my wife is looking awful flabberghastly.”

Compulsive behavior

Most addictions are at least somewhat understandable. You always hear about drug and alcohol addictions, and there’s always activists and help groups for each. Stuff messes with your brain, I can understand that.

There are, however, some addictions that I don’t understand. In my mind, coffee is one of the worst addictions of all. Pretty much everyone is addicted to the stuff, and no one even cares. There are no activists and no help groups, because it’s just normal to be addicted to coffee. It’s so bad that if the supply of coffee was suddenly cut off, like three quarters of the population would experience massive headaches and nausea from withdrawal. People might even become murderers and criminals. Who knows what people will resort to when they don’t have coffee to control them.

Another addict I don’t understand is my wife Donita. She’s been struggling with an addiction her whole life. I’ve tried to get her some help, but of course there are no helplines for this. My wife is addicted to eye boogers. Whenever she sees a gooey ball of matter in someone’s eye, she’s compelled to react with an “Oh! Oh! Can I get it??” And while she probably wouldn’t go through withdrawal, I’m just a little tired of having someone’s finger in my eye all the time.

Sleeping awake

I’m trying to figure out the difference between when my wife is awake or sleeping. You would think I’d be able to tell her status by having a conversation with her. Not so much the case.

Awake:
Donita: “The ladies are outside playing Yahtzee.”
Me: “Who’s outside?”
Donita: “The ladies”
Me: “Why are they outside?”
Donita: “They’re playing Yahtzee.”

Sleeping:
Donita: “I put the leftover chicken in the fridge.”
Donita: “Then I opened it up to eat some.”
Donita: “But it was cold.”
Me: “Sadness”

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: I hear that you got married. Congratulations. Any news yet?
A: No. Come back in two or three or eight years.

Q: So, how’s married life?
A: Beyond words.

Q: Would you have some time to work on this project for me?
A: Of course. What year would you like it done by?

Q: Why did you shave your head?
A: Just to shave my head.

Q: Why isn’t the internet working?
A: That online game you keep playing finally crashed the internet and it’s all gone now because of you.

Joshua and Donita – September 15, 2007

Joshua and Donita