My wife felt like she would be cool and use the word flabbergasted. Then she asked me what the definition was. “It sounds like someone’s personal problem,” she said. And it does. Just imagine someone saying, “He he, ‘scuse me, I flabbergasted.” Or, “I can’t eat that. It gives me flabbergastion.” I can see someone calling in to work: “I have a flabbergasture of 73.9 and I think it’s contagious because my wife is looking awful flabberghastly.”

Lucky Me

One time I stayed in a house with like 20 or so people. Everybody in the entire house got sick and threw up. Except for lucky me.

I was lucky enough not to hear my phone ring when a drunk guy called me at 3:28 in the morning looking for Al.

I played my first game of Phase 10 a couple days ago. Four games later, I’m undefeated.

I stare all day into dual 20 inch monitors plugged into a top-of-the-line Alienware computer. And I get paid.

My fiancé thanks me for finishing her ice cream.

Speaking of fiancé, am I lucky or what?!

Well that explains it

Proof that I’m a robot, or at least a cyborg (half robot):

1. I show no emotions or feelings
2. I’m impervious to extreme heat and cold
3. I’ve never broken a bone
4. I never sleep. I only recharge
5. I was programed to obey all commands from one particular person
6. I downloaded the Cold virus
7. I think really slow, revealing that my processor and RAM need an upgrade
8. I can operate on very little food, although I can consume large quantities on demand
9. I follow traffic laws to a capital T
10. I have monocular vision, which means the drivers for the CCD chips in my eyes are probably outdated
11. I can beat any human in a staring contest
12. I don’t get bored
13. I don’t age as fast as real people, which explains why I look like I’m 16 when I’m 20

It turns out artificial intelligence isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Let me tell you from experience, robots will never be smart enough to take over the world. Believe me, I’ve tried.

Got kelp?

Have you ever noticed that they can sell almost anything on TV as a health supplement? I was just watching a breaking news infomercial that was talking about this new health supplement that can help you lose weight, lower cholesterol, keep you from getting sick, and a long list of other benefits. But it’s not only the latest scientific breakthrough. It’s seaweed. Yeah, you heard me right. They scrape up piles of seaweed, bottle it up and sell it and make loads of money. Genius I tell you, genius.