Thanks to my blog post on how to make fun of yourself, I am now the first result on Google for “how to make fun of yourself”. I am the world’s top source for self-destruction. Yay.
Making fun of yourself is normally an ability that you’re born with. You might be a mutant, a clown face, or just a plain old loser. Luckily I’m all of the above. When you’re blessed with so many disfigurements, it can be fun to point them out to the world. But if you’re still having trouble knocking yourself, here’s a formula that just might do the trick. I give you: The Perfect Formula for the Imperfect Person.
The best way to bash yourself is by listing things that are true. This shouldn’t be difficult if you’re honest.
If you’re that lazy, you can also use things that are not quite true, but can’t really be proven false.
If you’re stuck in writer’s block, buy a mirror and refer to it often for inspiration.
In the event that you have friends, ask them to be honest about you.
If you find yourself exceptionally easy to ridicule, try not to get too carried away. People might start feeling sorry for you.
Think of something you would like to be good at, and come to the realization that you’re painfully awful at it.
Pretending to be a loser can sometimes make it easier for you to accept the fact that it’s true.
Stay away from generic phrases like “I’m a loser” or “I’m a failure.” People will just ignore you. (Not like that’s anything new)
It’s not necessary to say “I have problems.” If you’re making fun of yourself, it’s obvious you’ve got problems.
Update: Don’t miss Lesson 2
I’ve never really had a specific topic to blog about, until I looked back and realized I’ve had a somewhat ongoing theme of making fun of myself. Just do a search on this site for “loser” and you’ll see what I mean. (Yes, I have nothing better to do.) So to be on topic, here are 6 reasons why I might be a mutant.
- My right thumb is fatter than my left thumb
- I have Amblyopia (lazy eye)
- When I was sized for my wedding ring, they had to make a special order because they don’t usually have mens sizes that small
- I have super huge nostrils
- I have a crooked face and “chia” hair
- I assume my mom had a reason for always calling me “pumpkin head”
I recently cut my hair; all of it. I’ve been asked countless times why. I’m really not so sure why. The only “why” I know is why I grew my hair long to begin with. I was reminded of this as my hair began to grow back. As you can see from this detailed (and frighteningly accurate) diagram, there are two reasons why I miss my longer hair.
[Reason 1]: Sideways ‘fro; otherwise known as “bozo” hair. This would be a very good explanation as to why I was never seen without a hat.
[Reason 2]: I needed something to cover my face. I always used to wonder if my face was crooked, or if it was just my glasses. People always reassured me it was my glasses. I must have had dozens of pairs of glasses, and strangely they were all crooked. Well now that I’m liberated from glasses, I know they were lying.
- My website ranks higher in a google search for “josh mayer” or “josh meir” than it does for the correct spelling of my name, “josh meyer”
- I’ve been working hard to get people to visit this website which doesn’t sell anything and ultimately has no purpose
- Exactly 55.79% of the visitors to this website are from France and probably can’t read it anyway
- The most searched for phrase on this site is “search this site” which is the default text in the search box
- My wife laughs harder when she reads my blog posts that weren’t meant to be funny
- This blog has been nominated for worst blog of all time.
- Approximately 0.000003% of all internet users visit my website, according to alexa.com.
Proof that I’m a robot, or at least a cyborg (half robot):
1. I show no emotions or feelings
2. I’m impervious to extreme heat and cold
3. I’ve never broken a bone
4. I never sleep. I only recharge
5. I was programed to obey all commands from one particular person
6. I downloaded the Cold virus
7. I think really slow, revealing that my processor and RAM need an upgrade
8. I can operate on very little food, although I can consume large quantities on demand
9. I follow traffic laws to a capital T
10. I have monocular vision, which means the drivers for the CCD chips in my eyes are probably outdated
11. I can beat any human in a staring contest
12. I don’t get bored
13. I don’t age as fast as real people, which explains why I look like I’m 16 when I’m 20
It turns out artificial intelligence isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Let me tell you from experience, robots will never be smart enough to take over the world. Believe me, I’ve tried.
One word: Geeky glasses. (I’m wearing them as I write this)
I wear a big, geeky digital watch.
I correct people’s spelling and grammar.
People always ask me to fix their computer and/or camera.
Hardly anyone I know graduated the same year I did.
I don’t have any friends, nor have I any enemies.
I often critisize normal people.
I answer to “hey geek” better then I answer to my own name.
I (/-\n 5p33|( 1337!!!!1111
Tonight was the Super Bowl and I still don’t even know who won. Heh, I don’t even know who was playing. The Steelers and who? Seriously, I have no clue.
(Keep in mind that I’m 20 years old)
I was grounded last week.
I share a room with my little brother.
I have hand-me-down underwear.
I make my bed every morning.
I like vegetables.
(Also see volumes 1 and 2)
If you have more reasons why I’m a loser, feel free to let me know.
While I’m in the mood to make fun of myself, here’s some more convincing evidence that I don’t have a life.
-Half of the people that call me at work were trying to reach a different Josh.
-In any given day I can be called any combination of the names of my three siblings.
-I’ll likely share a bunk bed with my little brother until the day I buy my own house.
-Most of my socks are hand-me-downs.
-I got called stupid by a 7 year old girl.
-Someone was complaining to me about having to stare at a computer screen all day. I stare at one all week, all month, and…well you get the idea.
-Everyone is always nice to me; people are never nice to people they like.
-I’m one of only a handful of people in the world who think video games are boring.
-I’ll interrupt a conversation to point out a sign that says Deli Chicken Donuts.
-I instant message my brother at 11 pm while he’s about five feet away from me.