Imitating Myself

Here’s a tip: When you call to verify your new credit card and they ask for the last four digits of your social security number, make sure you don’t accidentally give them your girlfriend’s cell phone number because if you do, you might have to go through the whole 15 minute process of proving that you’re really you, which includes a multiple choice quiz about yourself and your entire life history which makes you wonder how they knew all that stuff about you in the first place, and then make you quote three different phone numbers four different times and then recite your social security number six times and describe all your previously owned cars and give your mother’s maiden name three times and I know this is a really long run-on sentence but it’s okay because I just read part of A Tale of Two Cities which has tons of terribly long sentences so since I want to be a famous writer like Charles Dickens I’m gonna try to copy his style of writing and from the looks of things I’m better at acting like someone else than I am at imitating myself.

Lucky Me

One time I stayed in a house with like 20 or so people. Everybody in the entire house got sick and threw up. Except for lucky me.

I was lucky enough not to hear my phone ring when a drunk guy called me at 3:28 in the morning looking for Al.

I played my first game of Phase 10 a couple days ago. Four games later, I’m undefeated.

I stare all day into dual 20 inch monitors plugged into a top-of-the-line Alienware computer. And I get paid.

My fiancé thanks me for finishing her ice cream.

Speaking of fiancé, am I lucky or what?!

Cable guy

Having dual monitors is pretty sweet, but if you don’t have the cables to plug them into your computer you don’t really get the full effect. So I ordered a couple cables online and as soon as they arrived I plugged in the first one and was excited to hear the dramatic “phfip” sound when it lit up. I plugged in the second one and waited for the phfip. And I waited a little longer. When I finally realized that there wasn’t going to be a phfip, and after testing the cable with different configurations, I determined that it was a faulty cable.

The company gladly sent me a replacement cable, but again no phfip (that sounds like some kind of bad word, now that I think about it). With two out of three cables not working, I decided to call the company to see what was up. I told the operator that I was having a problem with a cable. I’m still not sure what language he was speaking, but he transferred me to this other guy who then transferred me to another guy. If I didn’t know any better I would have thought I was the victim of some Arabian terrorist group or something. So the last guy I talked to, hereafter referred to as the “cable guy” (no pun intended) started getting all defensive when I told him that I had two faulty cables. He said something about how they couldn’t afford to send me any more replacements and there’s no way the cables could be defective. Then he said in a perfect Arab accent, “I bet you a hunnerd dollar dat it’s not de cable.”

I would have laughed in his face and took him up on his offer, but I didn’t really feel like being tortured by an Arabian terrorist cable guy.


I think it’s about time I wrote a blog post about how much I hate cell phones. Everybody writes one at one time or another. If anybody thinks they have cell phone problems, think again. Don’t even think about complaining about how your phone won’t let you change the wallpaper until you’ve read about all the grievances my phone has put me through. My phone will randomly and unexplainably turn off and discharge the battery, rendering the phone useless and unusable until the battery is recharged. I have no cell phone service many places I frequently go, including my own home. Half of the buttons on the keypad won’t light up, and the other half won’t work until you push them at least twice. And I even need a screwdriver to change the faceplate. All that and much more, including not playing the ringtone that I select.

Blind date

I didn’t think much of it when the phone rang. Nobody really calls me anyway. So I was a little surprised when my mom gave me the phone and said it was a girl that wanted to talk to me. She also asked me if I was going to be home for lunch, figuring that the person on the phone wanted to go out. I was clueless, so I just grabbed the phone to find out who it was. The girl on the phone was someone I had never even met before. But she turned out to be quite forward, and got right to the point. So forward, in fact, that the only word I managed to get in edgewise was, “Okay.” The one-way conversation lasted less than thirty seconds, but in that time we managed to set up a date for the next day. I couldn’t even remember what her name was, but when the time came I headed over to the Wal-Mart Optical center for my appointment.